say.

its funny that the people that dont like this song are likely the ones that need to really hear it the most. i love it.

Say - John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only ...

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

eh.

not great. sorry, VW.

this is why youre fat.

deep fried grilled cheese. what!? i love this site.

god, this is so depressing.

[frisky.com]

[btw,] happy irish day!

[thank god for you michelle obama]

um, yes.

rob, sweetheart -- youve made it.

couldnt have happened to anyone better.

efron in interview.

engaged!

Actor and DJ Danny Masterson and actress Bijou Phillips...congrats!

awh, cute.

finally have a couch (but its making me itchy).

wish my house just looked like this!!

ha, but anyways. have a long way to go as far as getting this house furnished, cleaned and fixed up goes. i think itll work faster once i get back from nyc with my stuff and can do the music room and my room. looking like the first week of april. even still, gotta furnish my room and pick up my bed. much to do, house wise. much to do, looking for job wise. much to do, making somewhere happy again. much to do, making sure Lo is happy again.

miss you(s).

ill be there soon, to say goodbye and get used to living without you. though, i guess ive been getting good at that for sometime now. sigh, dont know what i'll do without you -- two of the only people i know who always makes me feel so freakin' special. love on you!!

i am well.

hope is on the horizon, news soon. right now: food101 brunch and a hopeful afternoon for getting things done. tonight: outlook unclear. wish ang hadnt forgotten to swap me the truck, but hopefully we'll get this house filled soon, friends!

walrus love letters.

its done. a few of my faves didnt push through (and im still surprised not many love letters to people won) but overall it was a great batch. check out the winners and my favorite below.

Dear Journalism,

The thing is, I still love you.

My friends and family said you were bad for me. I ignored them. I thought you were just playing hard to get, that all that rejection was just part of the game. They tried to tell me you were only interested in one thing—cheap copy—but I didn't believe them. I plunged in, like a teenager, interested more in the thrill of the ride than in where it might end. And yes, we had some beautiful times.

But it's not what I thought, is it? Climbing volcanoes, rafting rivers, Land-Cruising through the jungle, except for the Land Cruiser, because expense accounts aren't what they used to be... You courted me, from time to time, with adventure, luring me from one wild romp to the next, knowing all the while I hoped it meant the start of something real. But now, years in, I know the truth. A string of one-night stands.

And yet—am I delusional?— I still think I hear love in your voice when you call, and a certain degree of tenderness when the checks are late. But it doesn't matter how gently you coo, "freelancer." It always feels like a dirty word. And no matter how many ultimatums I give you, you just won't make me your staff writer. You're not sure that's what you want, you say. You'd hate to ruin what we have.

I know you're estranged from your first staff writers, and I suspect that's why we've grown so close lately. I'm pretty sure that if they get up the courage to leave you, or you them, you'll start coming around more. You might even be willing to commit to a nice benefits package. But if you could still afford me, I could still afford my therapist, and she would tell me not to be duped by that renewed interest, that my devotion is worth more than 2 cents a word, dental or no dental, especially given the declining value of the dollar.

So I'm leaving you. I'm a strong, independent woman, who will go anywhere, do anything, chat up any warlord. You always say that's what attracted you to me. And in a twist of the painfully obvious irony you love, it's also why you'll lose me.
I am, alas, also human. We both know I will check your Facebook status updates, and for a few months, I'll hope that everyone is right and that you die.

But if you make it, and if you change your mind, look me up. I'll be in a predictable rebound relationship, over in P.R.

Ever – Jina

feeling faint.

thanks for the memories.

i've never been told i look like a famous person. and until i saw felicity (and pretty much ever since) ive never felt very much like any character id seen on screen either. not that this stopped me from feeling close to them. but all through high school, the popular kids (OK -- pretty much everyone in school who wasnt my friend, and this sadly includes the assistant principal) called me Kat. i knew it was the character in a movie i'd never seen, and i knew that everyone seemed to think this girl, played by julia stiles, was "just, like, exactly like Lo." so, i refused to see it. until college, when i finally caved.

there are plenty of differences (duh) but mostly -- yeah, its scarily familiar. all of this brings me to a piece henry wrote over at paste, that is well -- awesome.

and, so.

"If you press me to say why I loved him, I feel that it cannot be expressed, except by replying, because it was him and because it was me." -- Michel de Montaigne

married on tuesday in savannah.

love y'all, hope it was amazing.

just say no.

muse, part whatever.

honored to hear you live, always. man -- i look forward to the coming tears induced by your magic. thanksforyou.

note.

taylor (swift - yes, that one) and i have similar ideas on the word fearless. we also agree on how to handle love, ex boyfriends, and no good crushes. after spending time with someone whose ways of dealing are so different from mine, its nice to feel my own sense of normal again. its not okay to dwell in unhealthy situations, and i hope im not unknowingly stewing in one. guess we'll see.

"The album is called "FEARLESS." To me, "FEARLESS" is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think it's FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's FEARLESS to stop believing them. It's FEARLESS to say "you're NOT sorry", and walk away. I think loving something despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright...That's FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS. Love, T."

ps- bills are annoying.
ps#2- its funny how some days i dont care at all, and others i feel like i cant breathe. it makes me wonder if no matter what happens in my life, i'll always just feel alone.

its over.

i'm baaaccck! and: i have a new, fully painted, clean and awesome house to come home to. tomorrow, ive got to pay a yucky ticket (ugh) but then i get to go pick up a bed and my dog. my beautiful somewhere, whom ive been without for 6 WEEKS (!!!) i couldnt be happier to do so.

i also figure i'll kill a ton of (?) with my one stone (no birds, please. for heavens sake) and go ahead and haul some stuff from auburn into the new place. ive got ang's truck tomorrow too, so maybe i'll hit up ikea with the to do list im about to make. man, i fucking love a good to do list.

vacation, you ask? well, not as suspected and certainly weird but mostly because i wasnt alone. gasp! chris has a lovely soul, my dears, but methinks he is way more scared out of his mind than he originally believed. i'd like to think thats just because he feels so much for me, but i think it has more to do with romantical ghosts and being totally, like, unsure of me. oh, the tangled webs we weave. what the therapist pointed out today, oh wise one, was how i should rejoice (without thinking of the exact person) that ive gotten to a point where my initial reaction is the total opposite of running the fuck for the hills. how that happened, idontknow. embrace, embrace, embrace. (with proper caution!)

lovetoyou, my friends and past lovers and strangers alike. back to work.

for good measure:
Oh, the Places You'll Go!
Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

beach, day two.

up late, weird adjustments, frustrated and upset, sleep in, totally unsatisfied, gulp coffee, shop around, SCORE @ goodwill, promptly wash, full bellied lunch, jaunt at starbucks, slow internet, hope to leave soon. and hey, no important work. just support. hope it swings both ways. hope i get what i need, hope i get what i want. hope i get something better than nothing at all.

um, rewind.

sooo, today we leave for the beach. the snow kept us from leaving yesterday, but it didnt keep me from moving almost all of my stuff into the lyndale house and spending most of the day cleaning and organizing. if nothing else, that was prob needeed. now i just need my uggs, dunkin donuts coffee and my last few cigs (oh, boy) and i'll be good as golden to get my ass on that road. 911: get me out of here!

VACATION!!

omg, y'all. i'll be on my way to the beach (seaside) in mere hours. i have tons of big questions on my mind and plenty of work to be done before i go, but i dont think ive ever been this excited for a trip. a lot of that is owed to needing a break from this town. and a lot of that is owed to my dear friends, who make it impossible not to let go completely, love them totally and just be myself. ive felt so uptight lately, i hope the people getting to know me at this point in my life (angelyn, chris, raymond, J, etc.) dont get used to this oh-so-stoic loren. shes a snore! i'm ready to frolic in colorful dresses, toes in the sand, heart stuck in some great book.

SIGH! bring it on, life.

can't go back now.

in the end the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself.

today, i'm moving into a house in atlanta. i made that choice, foggy headed and limbs partially tied, and im giving up left and right to keep it that way. i guess thats for a couple of reasons. mostly, i need to give atlanta a chance. that hasnt so much happened yet. i always wanted to be here because its where my friends were, but now i have to find my own reasons for staying. because as i anticipated, having my friends here is not enough. worthlessness ensues.

ONE YEAR. thats all i have to give it, and then i can leave again. and who knows where i will end up next. anyways. i better go move some boxes and start a pot of coffee. its going to be a long one. [but, hey, vacation tomorrow...]

ben lee review.

sometimes youre proud of a review, sometimes youre not. this, in particular, was hard for me to write as i adore ben lee so much but did not so much adore this album. still, i like what i wrote and stand by it. and am thankful to paste for not butchering it.

dear chris. [i'll try and be brave this time]

and...


finally [most importantly]...

sometimes i miss the rush of something team oriented.

obamas decide on first doggie.

portuguese water dog. i can live with that.

all hot and bothered.

dear you.

work in progress.

miss you madly.

want. [sigh]

the up and up.

even if im not getting exactly what i want. the sun is shining, in this moment.

tee-hee.

its friday, stay calm.

My love for you is real
It moves like a summer breeze
My love for you is strong
Lord, it brings me to my knees

It was born in the wild
It's river long, rock strong
True and wild as hell
Honey now, my love for you is real

My love for you is calm
Candy sweet and thunder strength
My love for you is wild
It breaks the lockets melting

My love for you is long
Across the oceans all the same
My love for you is true
Meanings change but not the tale

It was born in the wild
It's river long, rock strong
True and never stings
Honey now, my love for you is real

Uh huh
It’s real, ohhh
It’s real, ohhh
Honey now, my love for you is real

ps- great romantic comedy list by my boy jeremy over at paste.
pps- gas is really expensive here. dare i say that transportation was cheaper in nyc? scandal!

love is as love does.

“Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity...genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom...love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth...true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis, it is correct to say, 'Love is as love does'." -M. Scott Peck

tears in my eyes, rarities.

everyone should have a therapist who says, "fuck them all. tell them all to go to hell!"

missing a simpler time and place.

the thing is, i never loved new york the way i loved athens. it was this whole other thing all together. but nyc gave me something georgia never could, and that was the chance to be around a large group of people like me, an unparalleled independence and more great food than you could ever possibly need. of course, its easy to focus on the positives now, but somehow being lonely is way more comfortable than that in between phase.

as expected, i am feeling better. and i've got to get on with work and then spend the day helping jessica with wedding stuff. my headspace still isnt quite right, but im reeling it in little by little. i think the weirdest thing may be just how crazy this town has made me feel and probably seem. i always felt very "together" in new york, especially when i had been there awhile without a trip home. this place always played me like a fiddle, so im not sure how i didnt guess it wouldnt just do that all the time once i lived here for good.

i keep getting these rushes to move back. it comes on so strong sometimes. and i know a lot of people would see that as running away, but does that even matter? i wouldnt be running away from anything too important. my friends are used to being without me, no fantastic job has been had here and whatever is going on with boyface is only causing me more heartache than i think im up to handle. i find it highly ironic (and thus, totally apt) that he doesnt want me dating other people (OK, he says he does but i wasnt born yesterday), but he doesnt want to date me because he is afraid he might hurt me. i think the damage might be done there, buddy. either way, the ex situation is prob more than i'm equipped to swallow. so now, just trying to reconcile in my mind how you go from being somebodys "friend" to their friend. apparently, he is used to girls who live with weird definitions of the word, but i cant sleep at night like that. youre either just my friend, or youre much more. the grey areas hurt too much. brain overload.

the good part that i failed to bring up yesterday is exactly what sally has said a lot lately. whether or not i run back to nyc and no matter what happens with any of the people here, she is glad i went through all this. and so am i. i'm constantly absorbing everything around me and trying to make it function in my brain and in my heart. that divide, whew! i havent in so long had my heartstrings pulled on so consistently. and even when its painful, i guess its nice to know that they are there.

i have no idea if im on my way to being happy. but as i told my 3rd grade teacher, john, my high school guidance team, spike lee, sally and finally tommy....that is all i want to be when i grow up.

that feeling, part 2.

i described the lowest point, and even though i am not in the best place right now and should really be doing some other work, i'm going to attempt to lay out some of the good (muddled, of course, in my own constant confusion as to what that even means/is). its interesting that ive taken back to my blog to release some of this junk, but i suspect it comes from a place of not leaking as much of my personal life into my "first person" stories.

tonight, all hell broke loose. both of my parents are both still very ill, in and out of hospitals. i almost went out to see cathy today, but it seems she is doing a bit better and i yanked back to reality after hearing that my future roommates arent so keen on being house sisters anymore. go figure. out on the street and a little like the kid caught in the middle, i sat between them at a bar for what has to go down as one of the more awkward encounters of my young life. also sitting there knowing that as it turns out i wasnt going to get to say goodbye to whatshisface, though im guessing the parking lot outside of figo should have done the trick. it seems whenever i miss this guy, he is off with another lady. leading me to think (know?) that i'll never live up to the mishas and nicoles of the world. and jesus christ, am i ever not cut out for this!

one of the things ive picked up along the way is that we never get exactly what we bargained for. people arent perfect (and thank god) and we each come with our own little quirks and nuances. we find the people best equipped to hone in on our good stuff and expose it for exactly what it is. sure, they grab onto the shitty stuff at some point too but all is hoping that it doesnt tarnish the bigger package. we hope who we are stands tall, that its desirable and, you know, worth it. how we get to that point is a bit of a gamble, and my life wouldnt be my life without a bit of a funhouse to run through first.

its not the way i imagined it at all. i guess in truth its closer to what i expected in the grandness of reality, but nothing like the picturesque view id chosen to fidget with in my mind. boy meets girl, they like each other, they awkwardly hang out, they less awkwardly hang out, they get it on, they get it on (and only in that order because its my mind, OK?) and thats that. i can hardly understand head games, i havent the time for figuring out drama and i certainly am quite horrible at playing it cool. countless times over the past few weeks ive had people in my ear about "playing it cool," which always makes me laugh since im not sure i even know what that means. i'm trying so hard not to control everything and maintain my composure, but i must admit there are days when throwing the towel in seems much more appealing than sticking this out. what.am.i.doing?

but im not talking about the good parts, am i? i guess thats hard to focus on right now. and though i know i'll be fine in the morning, i have to wonder if its OK to solve every problem that way. well, i'm upset but i'll be over it it in the morning so whats the point. is that OK? pick your battles, sure. but which are the right ones? and when is enough... enough?

i want a day like this...

how to break up.

good story on the frisky covers the girlie version.