blogging is fun.

click fun for some fun. it's good stuff.

speechless hollywood...

is totally brillant. check out all the episodes on youtube.
(ps- R.E.M. has a new CD and a tour out this year. the news has made my day all shiny)

hometown heroes.

i'm like a proud (and very homesick) mama.

all growed up.

21. i can't believe how old he is getting (which means i'm getting older...)
just checked his site, which for years had never been updated and was way too old/uncool for someone of his level of fame...but thats all cleared up now. WHOA! go check it out, i love it!

(ps. yes, this is the week of shaun. just weather it out while i bask in winter x games glow)

#one.

shaun took gold in the pipe finals last night, finally reclaiming his throne. i was so happy, although still worried that all this hoopla around him (the x games has basically turned into the shaun white show) is going to his head for real.

in other news, he signed a 10 year deal to stay with Burton. good boy.

part 2.

another cute commercial from oakley for x games 12.
lets cross our fingers that shaun gets gold tonight in the halfpipe finals.

silly boys.

(whom i love)

x games 12 -- day 3.

my shaun wasnt on the first day (i watched anyways, cause i'm a REAL fan...ya know) but he finally came in today for the slopestyle.

....and....he broke his board before his first run. ran on the broken board anyway with an OK run, getting him in 2nd. andreas sat in first after his first run (andreas won last year as well). shaun then changed boards to his halfpipe board and did another....OK run but had a bit of a skid.

so, then he got bronze.
and i almost cried. and he was piiiiiisssssed, ive never seen shaun like that.
OH, baby.
thhhheeennnn... he does pretty well at the halfpipe qualifying, sitting in 2nd to go into the finals tomorrow night, but is a total jerk to Tina (the girl who does the reporting at the bottom of the pipe). it was totally awkward to watch an finally she just walked away. i know he is frazzled but stuff like that makes me really wonder. i've heard that he's super nice/cool and ive heard from other people that he's a total ass. i'd like to know, i really would.

anyways, in other news- tonight was my first night back to urban. hours were getting cut so we all had to leave by 11pm which was so weird because i suspected to be there until 1-2AM and they've never just had everyone leave like that. weeeird. but good too, i guess. i mean, i was already there so i'd rather have stayed and made the cash but it's always nice to get off too.

wise words.

Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

i need this.

i'm totally poor though, so someone buy it for me. :)

breathtaking.

when it rains, it pours.
but i think ours is classy and thats all i'm going to say about that.

the truth about love.

another truth about love/the dating world/that whole 9 yards thing. reading something where it literally feels as if the author climbed into your brain, untangled all your thoughts and then spun them into pure bliss is amazing. that is what follows here (click the truth about love).

two favorite snap shots:

"That we go on at all is a mark of our courage. That we learn the part so well is a mark of how much is at stake."

"If the purpose is to pick a mate for life, you're hardly likely to find a suitable one on your first go. What's more, even if you did get lucky, you'd almost certainly not have the emotional wherewithal to keep the relationship going. Adults often lament the love they had and lost in high school and wonder what would have happened if they had met just a few years later. But the only way to acquire the skills to conduct a lifetime relationship is to practice on the onces you may destroy in the process."

...and then a long but amazing chunk that is basically about one of my theories:

"For all this, there may be a paradoxical logic to romantic love. Imagine a world without it, a world of rational shoppers looking for the best available mate. Unsentimental social scientists and veterans of the singles scene know that this world is not entirely unlike our own. People shop for the most desirable person who will accept them, and that is why most marriages pair a bride and a groom of roughly equal desirability. The 10s marry the 10s, the 9s marry the 9s and so on. That is exactly what should happen in a marketplace where you want the best price you can get (the other person) for the goods you're offering (you).

But we also know this isn't the whole picture. Most daters find themselves at some point with a match who ought to be perfect but with whom for some reason the chemistry isn't there. Why do the principles of smart shopping give us only the rough statistics of mate choice, not the final pick?

The reason is that smart shopping isn't enough; both parties have to close the deal. Somewhere in this world lives the best-looking, richest, smartest person who would settle for you. But this ideal match is hard to find, and you may die single if you insist on waiting for such a mate to show up. So you choose to set up house with the best person you have found so far.
Your mate has gone through the same reasoning, which leaves you both vulnerable. The law of averages says that someday one of you will meet an even more desirable person; maybe a newly single Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie will move in next door. If you are always going for the best you can get, at that point you will dump your partner pronto. But your partner would have invested time, child rearing and forgone opportunities in the relationship by that point. Anticipating this, your mate would have been foolish to enter the relationship in the first place, and the same is true for you. In this world of rational actors, neither of you could thus take the chance on the other. What could make you trust the other person enough to make that leap?

One answer is, Don't accept a partner who wanted you for rational reasons to begin with. Look for someone who is emotionally committed to you because you are you. If the emotion moving that person is not triggered by your objective mate value, that emotion will not be alienated by someone who comes along with greater mate value than yours. And there should be signals that the emotion is not faked, showing that the person's behavior is under the control of the involuntary parts of the brain--the ones in charge of heart rate, breathing, skin flushing and so on. Does this emotion sound familiar?"

save my friends.

as many of you know, hugging a polar bear within my lifetime is one of the most, if not the most, heartwarming of all my dreams. (and it is a dream of mine and it will happen, dont you worry about that, honey.)

but i wont be able to hug a polar bear if they are extinct, which they are facing due to global warming (if the ice melts by 2013, as they are predicting...that aint good for a lot of animals) and because of oil. you know, that thing the war may or may not be about.

today the movement to put polar bears on the endangered species list was put on hold. AGAIN. please read up and be informed.
sigh.

click "save my friends" or copy paste here:
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1704808,00.html?iid=336x280_ad1

(now old) oscar predictions.

from ew.com:

DAVID CARR
The Carpetbagger

PLUG: Would it kill the Academy to recognize that "Once" is the best movie ever made about the music that lies in the space between two people?

YES! thank you!

untitled 01.

i have a feeling its going to be one of those short/long weeks. you know.
the week is obvi a short week because of the holiday but i might as well have worked Monday because its gonna be a loooong week, for many a reason, my friends.

so thats why i put a little bright eyes in our lives. oh man...those lyrics, that face...swoon. (now, swoon again for good measure, dear.)

and for kicks, i had a funny/awesome/long ass convo with my kate the other night when i told her about my decision that any man in my life must LOVE "pushing daises," or at least be able to tell me why i love it so.

in other silly dealbreaker news, must love/appreciate:
ryan adams
felicity
vinyl
woody allen
godard
cameron crowe
warhol
marc jacobs.

so much to ask? eh- i dont care. i say NO.
:)

NOW i'm sad.

R.I.P, my "10 things" sweetie.

weirdly ironicly werid.

NATIONAL UNIVERSITY IN SINGAPORE--
In November, NYU and the National University in Singapore announced a dual-degree program, which is set to launch sometime this year. The program will allow students to receive their bachelor's degree from NUS and their juris doctor degree from NYU in just five years. Students will spend the first two years in Singapore and finish their dual-degree in New York in the final three years. Another dual degree program is set to launch this July, which would allow NUS students to receive their bachelor's and master's in law through NYU.

another little happiness.

made the cut, finally.

i am offically on IMDB.com. while i know this doesnt seem like a huge deal or anything, it means something to me seeing as how i used to spend hours on the site reading about my fave filmmakers.

now, i just have to hope i get to add to it over time!

click on the title to see my name in lights!

sundance blues.

i feel like literally everyone at work is going to (or already at) Sundance.
everyone is prob. only like 10-15 people but its still making me crazy.

like, more than it should. mostly because (as i've already said) its one of my biggest dreams to go to Sundance.
snowboard, stay in a hotel (a weird fascination) and see movies all day every day for a week.
SIGH.

man. i hope (know?) my day will come but i guess literally knowing people that are there is making it harder this year.
at least theres tribeca, but lets get real -- that ain't the same ticket.

go here for all the Sundance 411 you could ever want or need:
http://www.ew.com/ew/package/0,,20008779,00.html?iid=specialcoverage-20080116-Sundance

im gonna go not cry now.

this makes me happy.

rolling your eyes yet? shut the fuck up.

you have to....

click on this here link and search for your favorite TV show. then be prepared to be amazed by the complete hilarity that is Entertainment Weekly's TV WATCH blogs. seriously, just do it.

personal faves? the "ugly betty" (tanner), "project runway" (mindi) and "gossip girl" (youyoung) watches.

http://search.ew.com/EWSearch/ew/search/search.html?search=tv+watch&x=0&y=0

plus, the entire site is a-fucking-mazing looking and well written and im just starting to uncover it all myself.

ps- sundance is going on and tons of EW staffers are going. why am i not there? guess that isnt coming off my bucket list yet. but damn, what i wouldnt give!

its over.

the season finale of "gossip girl" has aired and my sheets are barely drying from all the shed tears.
well, you know what i mean.

anyways, i just read one of the best articles i've read in ages...in the funny/fluff category that is. a MUST read for any "gossip" fan. if you dont watch, dont bother. its insider-y.

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2008/01/so_wait_was_gossip_girl_realis.html?imw=Y

my fave clip:

Dan: Spends Saturday night reading Chaucer, watches art films to learn about sex, and consoles his girlfriend's best friend when she's upset, even though she's always been a bitch to him. He's a romantic who loves Elliot Smith and candlelight, and sees women not just as sex objects, but as peers. He is pure of heart, high of cheekbones, and tight of buns. And, as much as it pains us to say it, he is a total pipe dream. Seventeen-year-old boys like Dan simply do not exist. Sure, there are guys who are kind, clever, and mature in high school, but those guys are not cute like Dan. They have body odor and bad breath and dandruff and maybe even cystic acne, and they are on the math team. Reality Index: 0%

mid-season lineup.

Monday
8: How I Met Your Mother
8: Prison Break
8: Kyle XY
8: Greek – March 24
830: Big Bang Theory
8:30: Aliens in America
9: Wildfire –Jan. 21
930: Rules of Engagement
930: Notes From The Underbelly
930: Samantha Who?
10: October Road

Tuesday
8: Bones
8: One Tree Hill
8: Beauty & the Geek – March 11
9: House

Wednesday
8: Pushing Daises
8: Top Model –Feb. 20
9: Gossip Girl
9: Private Practice
10: Dirty Sexy Money
10: Project Runway
10: Cashmere Mafia

Thursday
8: Smallville –Jan. 31
8: Ugly Betty
830: 30 Rock
9: Lost –Jan. 31
9: Supernatural
9: Greys Anatomy
930: Scrubs –Jan 24
10: Lipstick Jungle – Feb. 7

Friday
8: Ghost Whisperer
830: The Return of Jezebel James – March 7
9: Moonlight

Saturday

Sunday
930: Unhitched –March 2
10: Brothers and Sisters

oh no, he did-n't.

PEREZ has defiled my husband.

i'm going on strike.

this isnt about the x-games.

i need a sign.

just a sign.

is that too much?

clorox on my hands.

good day, first at work and am starting to feel better about things. although, i dont want to speak too soon.
positive but not too aggressive.

i have found a few of "my people."

they seem to want me to choose a section but i really like working in all of them. so i dont know how that is going to turn out. just going to keep sniffing things out.

"gossip girl" was good tonight and now its gone....for who knows how long. i totally support the writers (UH, duh) but this strike is seriously killing me.

i've been able to catch up with a few people lately which is great. looking forward to a nice weekend and hopefully a good movie.
--i am SO proud of brigitte. she might be opening her own boutique store in the ATL. i cant think of anything cooler to do. how jealous am i?

tonight i made lynds tea. yum.
i miss my girls. (duh, #2)

stay tuned for clips update. i am hoping something will happen quick.
the new girl starts on monday so cross your fingers for me that shes cool.

"ONE TREE HILL" season 5 premiered last night. i think their plan to skip college was a good idea and im really excited about all the new drama. i hope nate gets outta this funk soon though because that part is seriously annoying. and if they keep peyton and luke apart all season i'll freak. it's a little "suspension of belief" that they all end up right back in tree hill but HEY. if i could, i would. so i guess i cant argue too much. plus, what else are they going to do to keep the show intact?

in other news: i have to go to the bronx to pick up a UPS package.
ugh.

first days.

are scary, exciting, new, boring and overwhelming. all combined. overall= pretty good. excitement ensues but so does worry.
in other news: im in crush love but lets not even GO there, ok?

today:
-ate chipolte AND cake shop= best food day ever.
-saw dan cook & company.
-watched a movie i thought id like (boring): "kettle of fish."
-miss urban people but i think they are confused, worked it out...er, hopefully. should be back in few weeks.
-made killer mix cds.
-drank fave drink: thai iced tea.
-had an almost moment with flatmate; smile.
-felt a little sad but just hugged on polar bear. thought about who id rather be hugging and felt sad again.
*realized i need to get a job at "paste" and was suddenly THRILLED. on that like whoa.

at this very moment: worried about the big girl life (i wanna sleep) but happy for the ultimate outcome.
new years resolution: make myself happy by making some "things to do with" friends.

its true,...when you least expect it.
BAM.
....and then. "oh shit."

top tens.

my top ten movies and (new) tv shows for 2007:
(music list to come)

http://www.hollywoodtoday.net/?p=3296#more-3296 (badly edited)

movies--
juno
waitress
across the universe
ratatouille
once
grindhouse
2 days in paris
the martian child
enchanted
the bucket list

tv--
pushing daisies
gossip girl
moonlight
californication
october road
dirty sexy money
the big bang theory
samantha who?

there is a reason.

why it is bad to read someone elses emails, etc. it starts out as silly snooping until you find something you wish you hadnt. or maybe youre glad you did because you know the truth, but the truth is harder to live with.

ultimately, my heart is in my throat because its scarily true that you never really know another person. not even the people you think you can trust. but when you find out this way you cant even talk to them about it.

its over.

i hated it, i tried not to, i did anyways.

and its over. the holidays. new years is usually a let down, but not horrible, so im looking forward to that part.

otherwise, moving on with an otherwise fab. vacation at home. spending time with the girls, getting things checked off my list and sleeping in like its my job. still havent done any work but really doutbful that i will. i might.
i cant decide.

anyways, i dont miss NYC. not even one bit. and i cant help counting down my days here and getting more and more sad instead of not thinking about it. hell, i still have 9.5 more days.

there has been one sad part of my trip. i do not wish to elaborate.

and even though i have EW to look forward to, i more nervous than excited.
even though i dont know why.

gloria gaynor.

georgia is pure bliss for me. got my tea (thanks, kend), netflix and menthols.

except that i am being bad about my freelance work (but i might quit anyways, im having a lot of mixed feelings lately.)

sally's snoozing and ive cleaned the place up. i need to wrap some christmas presents though.
ah- so good to be home, as always.

there are a few things to be upset about but i'm not going to write about them here. i do wish a few more people wanted to see me but apprently people are pretty busy or they just dont care as much as i thought (or in some cases, as they acted like they were.)
i have TOO MANY people in my life that run so hot and cold that i have absolutley no clue how to read them and thats really hard for me sometimes.

meanwhile, the guy im liking right now is totally unavailable and being here doesnt make me focus on it any less.
(more so, prob.)

i planned on buying myself a new laptop this christmas (mine is about to turn 5 years old and its a little slow) but i wonder if i really NEEEEED it. i dont know. this one still works so maybe i could do something decent with it.

my nails are awesome. (midnight blue fakies)
UO has me broke.
im tired, i havent slept in since i got here.
i saw TWO movies yesterday, which ya know makes me happy.
elissa has a cool quote book.

heres a few good ones:

"I'm astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
-woody allen

""I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-wa

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
-bill cosby

again.

i'm going to GA in the morning. im soooo excited, but--

*i havent packed yet and theres still lots to do (its 1:30AM, i have to be up at 7AM). theres a chance i wont go to sleep at all. damnit.
*i'm a little sad a didnt get to see my husband before i left town (or katie, david, josh+william and lauren)
*someone at work asked me to do something cool on wednesday night that i will miss out on
*believe it or not, i was a little sad leaving work tonight and i'll miss it while im gone, mostly because when i get back i will be working there VERY little and i really, really love the people.
*even though i am sure i wont get sick of it and that i'll have lots of fun and be glad i did it, i am going home for a LONG time and i dont have much money to spend while im there so im going to have to be seriously careful and that kinda stinks.

but yeah. i should prob get on that packing/cleaning. i always forget something and i hate leaving my room a wreck. im taking the bus to the airport (to save cash) and i honestly hope i make it because i have so much to carry its seriously going to be such a pain in the ass i'll prob want to kill myself for doing it halfway through.

ps- my DVD remote stopped working, which is random as hell. does this mean i have to buy a completly new DVD player!? ew.

there is seriously so much stuff on my floor, i should take a picture because ive never seen it so dirty!

2 hours of sleep.

some days i say, "he's out there,..somewhere."

but a lot of days i really have trouble believing it.

put it in stone.

i start at entertainment weekly in january, my friends.

one of my ultimate dreams has come true and i guess i havent been talking about it a whole lot because it just seems like a dream like blur of reality. i was really happy when i told lauren and she like, freaked out, because honestly thats the reaction i needed. i told a handful of people that were all like, "oh. thats cool." and so i thought wow, either im crazy and this isnt as cool as i thought or they just dont know me well. of course, i dont need someone to verify my excitement- but it i guess i feel like i worked hard and a little excitement wouldnt kill ya, would it? haha.

after my 2nd interview, i walked by an office that read "owen gleiberman" next to the door and nearly had a heart attack.

im going to GA for two and a half weeks (dec. 19th- jan. 5th), kind of as a treat to myself. kick off the end of a CRAZY 2007 and enjoy my time before the new start. im so excited i could burst.

i just hope i wont have a problem getting up at like 730-8am M-F. omg, that sounds like HELL. haha. i havent had a normal schedule in awhile, folks. right now i average getting to sleep in like 3-4 days a week. haha.

and it looks like things are going to work out with urban, they are going to let me stay and work a little there too and i am really happy cause i thought they were gonna kick my ass for taking so much holiday time off and switching my availibility to almost nothing. i would really, really miss it in a lot of ways if i had to leave, so im glad that worked out. i guess part of me not saying much yet was waiting to see what was going to happen with that.

although, i loved my schedule this week and next week (starting tomorrow), i go back to closing which (obvi.) isn't my fave thing in the world. but i have a new "bestie" at work (look guys, ive learned a new word!) and im excited as always to have met someone that i think is really great and that i want to get to know.

now if only we could do something about this weather...but alas, the GA will be much warmer.

ahhh- i hope some more good films come out soon. we seem to be in a bit of a drought. but i am still writing a bunch for hollywoodtoday.net, so check that out. i am also about to start to do some stuff for kiwibox.com so hit that up too.

i'm out of DC, and you know what that means.

so true.

i love finding really great magazine articles/blogs. after "the boyfriend" conversation with my friend diana (in which i told her that, no, i didnt want to be set up), she sent me a message with the link to this article and told me it reminded me of what i'd said. thing is, i went through a year of being set up by my friends and it was a complete nightmare. and this is why:

http://www.marieclaire.com/life/sex/dating/friends-blind-date
Posted by Lauren Iannotti
Marie Claire

What Your Friends Really Think of You

When I was 26, Tara, a friend from high school, set me up with her boyfriend's best friend, the most beautiful Asian-American graphic designer. He ate tofu, forswore television, sat with INS detainees in prison in his free time. I took this to mean that Tara thought I was attractive, mature, and altruistic. I was pleased, even as I passed on a second yawner date with the teetotaling vegan do-gooder.

As your mid-20s kick in and your friends start pairing off furiously, they want you in the couples club, so the blind-date offers begin. You sign on because there's something deeply flattering about your roommate thinking you're worthy of her cousin's brother-in-law's bandmate. Until you realize the connection between you is tenuous. "Wait, you love badminton? My husband's boss loves badminton!" (No mention up front that the boss is also a Holocaust denier.) You spend a few hours with the guy, and once you've dodged the good-night kiss, you're left wondering if the two of you had anything in common besides the acquaintance who brought you together.

That's when it hits you: If your friends keep setting you up with guys who have the same effect as two glasses of Malbec and an Ambien, they must think you're ... lame.

I gave it one last shot when Cynthia, a friend from college, introduced me to a guy in her research lab. She described him as: supersmart, cute, English, a soccer fan (as am I), and kind of weird — in a good way. "Like you," she told me, and I was flattered. Weird in a good way is the opposite of boring, I figured.

"One thing," she added. "He dyes his hair — kind of a punk thing. Just not sure what color you'll get. That okay?" A punk with a Ph.D.? I was in love.

William and I arranged to meet at a bar near my office. When I arrived, I spotted him instantly. A bit round, with a Black Flag T-shirt, glasses, and a full head of Day-Glo-green hair. He saw me and offered a winning smile. He was not Mr. Universe. He was adorable.

And then he spoke, and I realized he wasn't English, he was English-ish. He'd moved Stateside at 9, which left him with perfect grammar, aggressive enunciation, and an utter lack of humor. Just like Madonna.

As I gulped down my second pint of Stella — Sir William the Earnest said with a patronizing smile that my fondness for it would likely lead to breast cancer, according to his research — it dawned on me. Cynthia didn't just think I was weird, she thought I was a total spaz. I was okay with this — at least I'd outgrown boring. But I didn't see William again. And I didn't see Cynthia again, either. She didn't know me. If she did, she would have realized that for me, green hair is totally hot, but a date without a laugh? Not so much.

a moment of truth.

i had this conversation with a friend the other night about blogs.

you know some of your friends read it but you arent really sure which ones or how often they actually check it out. maybe if youre really brave this doesnt faze you either way and you just throw up what youre thinking no matter what. but more than likely, if you want to write something about or relating to someone who might read it (unless its something they already know or wouldnt mind) you'll censor yourself.

and while i hate that, i guess it makes the most sense. or does it? i cant really decide? should we not care at all or should we proceed with caution. its the same debate i always have with people over their dating habits. i tend to think if you like someone, you should just ask them out, go on a date and at the end (or whenever) say " you know what? im just going to put this out there. i like you." that way, if they dont- you know now and there arent months of games and trying to figure it out what every word of his text message "means." most of my friends think this is insane and that too much honesty scares guys off.

what the fuck do i know. ive been single,... forever.

what i do know: i wish people were more honest, all of the time. no matter what. one of the hardest, most painful moments of my life was also the most freeing. and although it seems tame compared to what else would go on my list, its important nonetheless. it was the day i looked at john and i finally just said it. what i'd been thinking for years. "i feel like i dont know you. i love someone who isnt there anymore and i cant blame you for that but i also cant even look at you without wanting to cry."

anyways, since i always preach the truth i guess i should follow it. so no matter who reads this, heres whats breaking my heart right now. and heres some things i never normally talk about.

i havent seen john in almost a year now. i thought about him more last weekend than i have in months and i hate admitting that. i HATE admitting that i miss him so much...and not my boyfriend, because unless you STILL dont know, john was always just my very, very best friend. so, truth #1. i miss someone whom i will prob never, ever have back in my life.

and while kendrick knows me so well too and i love him very much, the connection i had with john was insane in a different way. neither better, but theres something about being connected to someone through that most awkward part of life thats just so raw. more than anything, john was the only person ive ever known that i could totally let my freak flag fly with. if you dont know what that means, i cant explain it to you. sorry.

the other truth is that this all came about because of my weekend. i did a really great thing this weekend for two of my friends and i dont know that they even know it. i mean, know that it had as much to do with me as it did. and while im happy for them, it was heartbreaking for me in a very selfish way. trying to explain it was worthless (i tried) but i also know why.
but lets get to the good stuff:

the truth:
-i miss georgia. everyday. i wish i was this strong person who felt that i belong here. i deserve to be here, i worked hard to get here and i'd be insane to leave....but i may also be happier if i did.
-i miss my dad and i hope i see him before he dies. part of me hates myself for missing him.
-i'm jealous of only one person in this world: my brother. i need to admit that more.
-nothing bothers me more than when my friends dont keep in touch with me.
-my living situation makes me nuts.
-i really need a puppy. not want, NEED.
- i def. still watch "the bachelor" every season. every. season.
-thinking that josh and william dont want/need me around as much kills my soul daily.
-my sleep schedule is hardly healthy
-i still cant cry but sometimes i feel it getting closer.
-i hug people. i like hugging certain people, but those are few. i let some people hug me even though it hurts. knowing the difference between all of these just means you know me. but either way, i still dont cuddle. but thats a whole other story and once again, you'd just have to know my story.
-i'm still thinking about what katie said to me and feeling grateful. and i swear, i will be alone for the rest of my life unless i meet someone who sees in me half of what she does. and i'd be fine with that. just because all of the people who have "gotten me" in my life have just been my friends, well....thats better than no one.

(last truth: i deleted some of the truths that i wrote. everyone has secrets. and maybe....some things are better left unsaid.)

why i get out of bed.

saw this tonight before release.
amazing isnt enough of a word.
go see it.

NOW.

Juno
..
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inspiration.

my friend amanda posted this on her blog today. she is moving back home after doing college/internships/job search in NY. i met her working at COSMOgirl! and i just really connect (and you know why, dear friend) to what she has said. i hope im brave enough one day to say the same:

Home Home Home

One of the speakers at my graduation said something that really stuck with me. Sitting among all of my peers and all of our parents at Radio City Music Hall in the middle of New York City, everything I had debated about my whole college career finally made sense. The speaker said, "Some of you will reach a point in your lives, maybe when you're 24, 35 or even some of you in your 50's where you will look at your life and say to yourself, 'This isn't where I want to be'. This is the point I reached, and the best advice I can give you is, change it. It's never too late to change your life around." Even though I was sitting with one thousand other people, I felt as though those words were meant for me in that moment. I thought about his words for days after my graduation, while I was on the Manhattan ferry boat with my parents and brother sight-seeing and walking around the City. But the final moment of my clarity happend at Penn Station when I was saying goodbye to my brother and my dad. My mom left earlier that day for the airport and I was just dropping my dad and brother off at the train station because they opted for Am-Track (don't even ask me why, I have no idea).

You know that lump in your throat that you get when you want to burst into tears but you can't and it starts to hurt? That's what happend to me when I hugged my dad goodbye. I instantly thought of the morning I left for NY in August 2002 and it would be the first time I lived away from my family. My dad and brother brought me to the airport and sat with me until I had to leave and I just burst into tears. And to be quite honest, I've almost burst into tears like that every single time I leave them when I go back to NY. I walked away from Penn Station not caring about how long it would take me to get home, I just pulled my sunglasses down and let a few tears roll down my cheeks, even on the train. I just kept thinking about my life and everything that has happend to me in the last few years. Ever since my dad's accident, I've really changed my mind about family and where I want to be. My mom has always been the parent to support me no matter what I want to do. She'd probably still support me if I wanted to run off and join a circus. I love her. I know I say this constantly, but I'm going to say it again, the most important thing in my life is my family. No doubt.

One of the things I've regretted the most since my great-grandparents passed away was that I didn't ask them enough questions about their lives, upbringing and lives. I was too young to understand and now I'll never know. I know in twenty years I'll look back on my life, when I'm 43, and hopefully I'll be married with children in a house in Minnesota. I'll miss the friends I've made here in NY, but I won't for a second regret moving back to MN. No job opportunities in NY could outweigh the time I would spend with family. How could a paycheck be more important than my family? You can't put a price on family and that's exactly why I can't leave them. I guess the reason I've been thinking about this so much today is because I'm leaving in less than two weeks and I am getting a little sad about the people I'll be saying goodbye to. There are a few people that I've wondered if I'll even see them again. Not close friends because I'll definately see them again before I go. I guess I mean people like the guy at the Deli on the corner who always says hi and tells me to have a good day. Or the guys who work at the convenience store on the other corner who always smile and small chat with me. It's hard for me to look back at my college experience and say, ok, I've partied with these people, lived in this dorm and studied with these professors. I've lived in 2 diff rooms, one apartment, had diff roommates, friends, classes and professors, even jobs! I have been exposed to so many people and I am very thankful for all of that. It's just hard to feel like I've settled anywhere yet.

Moving back to Minnesota, and to Minneapolis, I know some people from high school down there. Some of them are friends I was really close to back in middle school. I really miss them and I would love more than anything to reconnect with them but I know that would be hard. I'm excited to be with my family and my best friends I've grown up with. Some things will be hard to adjust to though. Such as, I will miss my wednesday drinking nights with Emily, my Monday opening shifts with Deanne and Meagan and our drinking afterwards, my random nights in Bay Ridge with Su and random nights at Kitty's with Anthony. You know that knot? When I think about all of this stuff it comes back. The last entry I wrote talked about how certain friends seem to be distancing themselves, they still are and I guess to them I say I'm sorry I'm leaving. I can't be sorry that I made this choice though because it's the right thing for me. I feel like I've used these last five years in NY to grow independently as a person in so many aspects of my life and I've just gone through so much in such a short period of time and I've lived and dealt with it. I'm ready to come home and be with the fam, ya'll. lol

xoxo Amanda

7 car pileup.

...thats what i feel like.

long week, long weekend.

but more on that later.

thanksgiving 2007.

updated tv list.

Monday
8: How I Met Your Mother
8: Prison Break
830: Big Bang Theory (LR)
8:30: Aliens in America
930: Rules of Engagement
930: Notes From The Underbelly
930: Samantha Who?
10: October Road

Tuesday
8: Beauty and the Geek
8: Bones
9: House
9: Cashmere Mafia

Wednesday
8: Americas Next Top Model
8: Pushing Daises
9: Gossip Girl
9: Private Practice
10: Dirty Sexy Money
10: Project Runway

Thursday
8: Smallville
8: Ugly Betty
830: 30 Rock
9: Supernatural
9: Greys Anatomy
930: Scrubs
10: Big Shots

Friday
8: Ghost Whisperer
9: Moonlight

Saturday

Sunday
10: Brothers and Sisters

planes, trains & anxiety.

today someone asked me what its like to have an anxiety attack. although i've had anxiety most of my life, no one has ever asked me what it feels like and i guess ive never thought about it before. ive never known the difference but i guess if youve never had an attack it must seem like a weird thing to have happen to you. ive often wondered if the fact that i have anxiety annoys other people or if my friends think i can control it, but just dont. i hope not -- :(

anxiety is different for every single person that has it. people have different forms of it (social, OCD, panic disorder) and different variations (severe, situational, etc.) you can have an attack that lasts 2 minutes or one that simmers for hours, even days. some people constantly worry about their disorder (although, i hate that word for the record) and others are totally fine until they get in a sticky situation. some people fear being away from those who can help them during an attack and others have a fear of therapists and doctors themselves. its all pretty individualized.

firstly, i have OCD. it is best described as: an anxious thought or thoughts that you may feel you cannot control. there is no pleasure in carrying out the rituals you are drawn to, only relief from the anxiety that grows when you don't do them. there are healthy people that carry out this behavior, such as checking the stove many times before leaving the house. however, people with OCD can do this for at least an hour every day, which interferes with daily life.

i'm lucky, because i dont have a severe form of OCD. basically, i clean a lot and like to keep things in order. when someone comes into my room and say, slings their bag on the floor and kicks their shoes off, it feels like they are punching me in the stomach. and i KNOW that sounds insane, but the people that love me have embraced it and so it doesnt affect my day to day life too much. it DOES make working at urban hard sometimes, because when i clean the fitting rooms and then a customer comes in and trashes it (although i understand its my job) i want to scream.

i also have social and general anxiety: anxiety disorders can take many forms. you may experience free-floating anxiety without knowing exactly why you’re feeling that way. you may suffer from sudden, intense panic attacks that strike without warning. your anxiety may come in the form of extreme social inhibition or in unwanted obsessions and compulsions. or you may have a phobia of an object or situation that doesn’t seem to bother other people.

"social" anxiety means basically that i hate speaking on front of other people, being the center of attention and meeting new people. some situations are worse than others, but as a whole it bothers me more than it does most people and i can become so paraliyzed by fear that i flee a situation. see: hearst christmas party 2006. about 500 people in the ballroom, all dressed up and chatting, drinking. i cant find anyone i know, start to hypervenalate and literally sprint to the subway. yeah. i know.

in contrast, general anxiety is all about the totally random anxiety attacks i get. from flying on planes, being in large crowds, having too much to do....it can happen pretty much anytime. i even have anxiety attacks while im sleeping and wake up panicked and sweaty. sometimes i can feel it coming on and crunch it and other times i just "need a moment." there isnt much of any way to prepare and since i live a drug free existence (yes, even advil is a drug) i dont use anything other than therapy to curb attacks.

how to help: everyone is different. you'll know im having an anxiety attack because, well- i'll usually tell you. i also (like many other people) hyperven., pace and shake my hands (like im fanning myself). some people liked to be touched, some people dont want to be touched at all. heres a cute video on how to help someone: www.videojug.com/film/ how-to-help-someone-having-a-panic-attack

heres how best to help me: dont tell me im over re-acting. this will only make it worse (plus, its kind of rude, since i cannot help the fact that i have anxiety, it is genetic.) dont try and hug/hold me because i will feel closed in and only panic more. all you really can do is reassure me i'll be ok, help me get my breathing back to normal by counting my breaths with me. make me sit down, put my head between my knees and focus on something positive (an old friend of mine very cutely laid on the floor looking up at me with my head between my knees told me a story about her day. distractions like this are helpful because when i get a panic attack its usually because i feel overwhelmed about a situation and need to be removed or distracted from it.

having a panic attack is embarassing but fortunatly, i have them much less than i used to. a lot of people in my life have never had to witness one of mine and never will. for all that have, it means the world to me that you are as understanding and helpful as you are.

one day, maybe they will be gone for good.

coming undone.

im confused. and i love it. its an adventure and i cant wait to know what happens. i wish i could tell you what im talking about.

alas.

EW gave a great review of "pushing daisies" last week which made me full of bliss. id be honored to work there (duh) for a million reasons, not the least that ive wanted to work there since birth. basically.
(so yes, the interview went well).

i got to spend some time with jamie this week, which was nice. i did an overnight at UO and got off at 6AM, which was horrible. i got to spend lots of time with jones during her time off, which was fun. we are on season 3 of "felicity" now! im behind on some of my work and i hope i dont get in trouble but ive also been a little busy too. the biggest drawback to this that ive felt it calling people. i have some phone calls to make/people to see.

the apartment looks so great. jones and i cleaned today which made me happy. and we made my fave lunch together, which was nice. and we watched my netflix movies (shrek 3, oceans 13). i didnt like either.

but mostly, PRunway premiered on wednesday and i totally didnt know! so im excited to catch up this wed., which is also my little brothers birthday. i will see him saturday.

and dont ask me how i feel about the trip to west virgina. because...uncomfortable is the only word i can muster.

tattoo interview.

i'm gonna be in CG! heres what i said about getting inked and my advice to young people looking to do so:

I always knew I wanted to get tattooed. From a very early age I found them fascinating and began thinking about what I would want one day. As I got a little older I started drawing them out and once I decided I wanted sleeves (full arm tattoos), I decided I wanted to have them completly drawn out and decided on before I even got one. By 18, I was done, leaving a few spots for things I might want in the future.

As an artist, having "ink" is a honor to me. My body has become my own personal canvas and I love that this is the one thing about my appearance that I can truly choose. Out of all of my greatest works (paintings, drawings, films, books) these are things that will literally 'be' with me forever. They all have extreme meaning to me and they also all link together, thus giving them a double (and in some cases triple) meaning. I don't think everyone's tattoos need to be very personal/meaningful to them but I DO believe that chances of regret go down when it is something you care about. I think of it this way: I have a key on my left arm that (while I love) is too big. If I could go back, I would definitely make it smaller but that doesnt make me regret it. Similarly, I have a bike on my right arm that I love (its one of my favorite pieces) but sometimes question getting. I'm more of a skateboarder, but it was hard to find a good way to ink a skateboard so because I also love to bike, I got that instead. However, because I am not quite the biker that I used to be and I still love to skateboard, I'd like to find a way to get that in there.

Because I am heavily tattooed (I currently have 15 and will have around 35 when I am done) I get asked questions about tattooing all of the time. No matter what I do to my hair or how cute I look on any given day, I will always get the most compliments on my ink. Infact, I've had multiple women tell me how cool they think it is that I push the boundaries and get inked on my arms, something many people are scared to do because of how it might affect what jobs they get or how it will affect their image. I'm happy to report that there is no "personality" associated with tattoos and that much of the social stigma against them has vanished, especially in large cities and artsy communities.

Sometimes people ask me if I think I will one day regret having so many tattoos. The answer is that I dont, for many reasons. One, I made sure to get things that mean a lot to me. Two, I planned them out over a long period of time. Three, I took the time (and this is VERY important) to find an artist to work with that I liked as a person, is an amazing tattooer and who understands who I am and what I like. I also made an important decision for me, which was to get only black/gray tattoos. I did this because I personally believe that the black is more "classy," it fades better and it matches everything I wear. :)

My advice for anyone considering getting inked: Do NOT get tattooed unless you are positive you want it. When you decide what you want, ask if its something timeless that you will love forever. Example: If you love the old compass your grandfather gave you, you will probably love a tattoo of it in twenty years. But, just because you love James right now, doesn't mean you will love HIM in twenty. Be smart about it and remember that forever means forever, unless you just love throwing money away on a painful removal procedure. Visualize yourself in twenty years. Who do you want to be? Try to see yourself in a natural setting with your ink. For instance, I used to really want swallows on my chest. Then I tried to visualize myself as a fifty year old woman with swallows. For some reason, even though I love them, I just can't see it. When people come to me concerned that they might regret it, I usually ask them to consider living by my tattoo rule. Once you've thought of the perfect piece/placement, spend one year thinking about it. Hang it in your room and see if you get sick of looking at it (if you cant stand it on your wall, you wont want it on your body for life.) After a year, have an artsy friend draw the piece on you (in your previously chosen spot) in sharpie. Keep redrawing it for three-six months, however long you feel is necessary. If you STILL love it, the chances that its meant to be are greater. Of course, nothing ensures that you won't one day regret it, but I truly believe that if you are patient enough to wait a year and a half about something you are excited about and you remain excited about it, your tattoo has a better chance of survival. You wouldn't marry a man after one night, right? Spend some time with your ink.

Getting tattooed is serious and I honestly think it taints the art of it when people just run out and get tweety bird on their ass on a whim. Getting inked costs a lot of money (when its done right), is painful and is permanent. But it's also beautiful, artistic and if you ask me, pretty exciting. I love that I get to wear my heart on my sleeve(s), everyday.

and then im back.

today was a good one, for sure.

i got plenty of sleep, but not too much. i then got ready, got some DD coffee and headed to times square with jones.

we listened to some of my new fave songs on the subway and then headed to the AMC theatre. we got our tix and headed into our movie marathon.

we saw "dan in real life," "lars and the real girl" and "martian child," with perfect timing in between each. most importantly, we paid $11 to see all three and i LOVED them all, which is sooooo rare for me. i left the theatre in complete bliss. movie bliss, my favorite kind (duh)!!

i then headed downtown a bit more to meet up with andi, a friend from high school, in her new NY flat. she just moved here after training for a new job in finance, and i couldnt be happier. i am literally on cloud 9 that she is here and we had a fantastic night. i think having here her is going to change my life a lot, but i dont want to get ahead of myself. mostly, im happy to report that even though its been years, weve grown to have even more in common. im so proud of her.

im now home, with a full belly of yummy diner food. im going to watch an episode of "felicity" with jones and then head to bed. ive gotta get up early for more work on the lynton flat (the place i am decorating.)

p.s.- be a good listener. dont judge other people. and be yourself. :)

my (ntes).

you know how people throw around that phrase, "oh! thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me"? well, the other night i was watching conan with one of my fave actresses and she told her story about what i call the NTES (nicest thing ever said.) ive heard a lot of peoples and i used to try and rack my brain to think of mine, until i realized that if i didnt just *know* it, then maybe i didnt have one yet.

i mean, sure, people have said lovely things to me. things that made me heart soar and things that made my days glow a little brighter. but never anything life-altering, you know? until now. i guess you prob. knew where this was going.

after my day of hell, i sat next to this young couple on the subway. they were so cutesy, all over each other. honestly, i didnt know if i should laugh, cry or puke.
later, i told one of my friends from college (one of only like, 3) and she asked me what i'm looking for in a relationship.

i told her (what i always tell everyone), "someone that loves me for exactly who i am." to which she replied, "exactly. and you will find that because you are incredible and everyone who doesn't see that is just bat fucking blind."

i later let on that i was a bit more worried about the ending up alone thing than normal. and she sent to me the words that i will now dub my NTES. and i dont know that it will everbe topped.

************************************************************(from katie)*******

oh it so will for you. you're going to find someone amazing. i can't wait for that day when you're like "i met someone" and then i'll just feel this chill and i'll know.

seriously, i have some good friends in my life who i hold very dear to me, but i feel like you are so much more complete and complex. i don't know, maybe i'm just thinking of what i would be attracted to but you are seriously one fascinating human.

i don't mean this as a diss to some of my other friends, but i kind of have them figured out. granted i've known some of them longer, but they are the way they are and they're not going to change.

you on the other hand, are so ornate. you have these little crevices within you where every time i'm with you i discover something new and i feel like an archeologist or something. i love that.

because no matter what it is we're talking about you always have something to say and even when we're saying nothing it's comfortable. you just have a way of putting people at ease, yet keeping them on their toes at the same time and i think that's what i like the best about you. i can never tell what's going to happen next but i know that i can't wait till it does.

because i could never be bored with you. i might be overwhelmed with you at times, but i could never be bored with you. i'd rather have too much of you than not enough.

it's like your room. it's exactly who you are, but yet it's nothing of who you are. there are so many trinkets from your life and each has a story to it. that's who you are, you're the storyteller.

but at the same time you're so beyond any of that and you don't need it, when sometimes i think you do. like, you have so much going for you already that all of the rest of it... well... i guess it's like a field where there's this gorgeous tree that just keeps growing and it has been forever but you know it's not done yet and you want to be under it for shade and protection but at the same time you want to stand back and watch the birds come and the seasons change. beneath it is green grass that's soft, and there are flowers that bloom and even though the flowers are pretty nothing compares to the tree. i guess that's how i see you.

you're that tree.

you have so much in you that i admire.

you have this courage to be who you are, so fearless to just say it and have that be that at your word. you have this raw ability to just be honest with emotion. you don't play the head games with yourself that i play with myself. i try to control things, you just let them be because you're smart enough to know that you can't control them. it's rare to have that. to just be open and say this is what i'm feeling and that's ok.

you're seriously smart and you have such insight into human life and those around you. it's like you know exactly what's going on, but you can't always say that you do because you're gentle and you know people need to discover it themselves.

you're creative and have this artistic ability that i really wish i could see more of. like that painting, the self-portrait, i had no idea you could create things like that. when i try to paint it's all gobble and goop, with you... you have vision.

that's it.
you have a vision.

whether it's for yourself, others, your future, whatever. you know what you want and you're going to go for it and even if the roads are foggy you can still see enough to know that you're going to push through.

you're truly incredible. i just want you to know that because when i'm around you sometimes i feel this intimdation that keeps me silent.

ruined by noon.

today was a horrible, no good, very bad day.

in comparison to much of my life, it was actually nothing. it was silly, really. but you know those days i'm speaking of, right? maybe nothing seriously goes badly, but right from the start you wake up just knowing...yuck, this isnt your day? and then its just a bunch of little things that pile up and before you know it you just want to pull your hair out....and over what? i always feel silly for letting those days upset me, but sometimes they get to me more than the singular bad event.

in short order, i was yelled at for being 15 minutes late to work (no, i didnt call. i got on the wrong subway -- long story-- and so i was underground. so sue me.) i was wearing heels, which seemed like a good idea this morning, but after about thirty minutes my feet started throbbing. worse than ever in my life and i seriously (hey! fair warning about the silly whining) thought i was going to cry. if i could cry. but...we all know i cant. which is just the icing on the cake, isnt it?

the heel thing wouldnt matter so much, as i usually dont stray far from the fitting room. but instead i was back and forth from receiving all day. we have concrete floors, so i was sounding like a high school teacher coming down the hallway.

i guess i could name a series of events that happened at work, but basically it was the worst day ive had there and i suddenly felt very disliked. the place was totally slammed and i couldnt keep up with any of my visual projects because customers kept throwing clothes into a pile on the work bench and leaving fitting rooms looking like a hurricane went through. SO- right there, in the fitting rooms, 40 mins before i got off, i had a full on panic attack. my first in a month. if youve never witnessed that, youre lucky.

anyways, yuck. on my way out of the store i found out that you-know-who has a girlfriend. and then, on the way home, that the other you-know-who? yep, he's got one too. FUCK ME. i proceeded to overact just a tad. and then i missed my subway stop by 3 stops.

back at home, things got a little better.
like, i got to take my shoes off.
but no mail, ugh. i hate no mail days.

hey, at least i looked HOT today. i mean, if i may so say myself (and i can because i never do.)

good things that happened to day:
yummy/free dinner
"felicity" marathon with jones
movie theatre marathon planned for tomorrow
andi is HERE. and i get to see her in less than 24 hrs.
see next entry. :)

i need more food. heres hoping your day was better!

i'm not gonna lie to you.

after what i would consider a pretty good day, i came home to an empty flat.

which means, of course, that i cranked matchbox twenty's new song "how far we've come" and danced in my underwear all over the house.
it was awesome.

today i returned to the lynton house (where we shot the movie in august) to help audri redecorate. its going to look great and although its odd to be there, im still in awe. this is the nicest townhouse ive ever been into in my life, needless to say the nicest place in new york. anyways, it seriously needs an overall and im glad im able to help. i really love doing this stuff and i hope jacq calls me back so we can finish her place, because its going to look great too!

i stopped by urban after to get my schedule (its still freezing outside, esp. after walking 11 blocks.) only 15 hours again, but thankfully ive got a full week otherwise, so its fine. i'm supposed to see betsy, amanda, diana and josh this week- and i totally hope it works out. josh's birthday is tues and hes having a dinner thursday in jersey city, so i should def. be seein' him and william and a few other choice favorites.

in bad news, erin totally caught me on my smoking indoors thing. UGH, i know. but after moving to new york i was alloweed to smoke in the dorms. and so i did- for 3 and a half years. i knew that when i moved into my new flat that i wanted to stop doing it (because it makes everything smell and the smoke bothers erin.) it was easy when it was warm and i could just pop outside, but with a lot of late night deadlines and the freezing cold, its hard to consistantly make myself go outside once in my PJ's. so ive just been popping open the window in my room. but yeah, apparently that ain't workin out so ive got to stop, which is a good thing..its just going to be hard. but maybe i will smoke less, which is great (duh.)

i keep going back and forth on how many netflix movies i should have. i'm burning through them lately, but i was slow for awhile. i sent all 3 back this morning (they all sucked, any suggestions people?)

i was looking forward to an all day movie marathon with jones tomorrow, but ive gotta work on the lynton house and then go to urban at night. so no movies. maybe later in the week.

they play the best music on "supernatural"...which is a surprise but true.
speaking of music, ive been listening to the georgetown college radio a lot lately (i know, random. jones' brother has a show on there though.) its easy to use, you just get it on your itunes and then listen away. you should check it out:
www.georgetownradio.com
also, jones and i pulled out all my christmas vinyl and we've been jamming to that (like, while we cleaned out the fridge which looks ooooohhh, so nice.)

speaking od fridge cleaning (i'm on a roll tonight!), i had a bit of a panic attack during. you see, i'm not scared of much. not heights, the dark, or the ocean. not snakes, or spiders, or any bugs really. BESIDES MAGGOTS. i hate them. when i see them i feel like they are crawling all over me.
EWW.
anyways, i was cleaning out the pantry, throwing out expired food and i opended a thing of bread crumbs thingys (or whatever the fuck it was) and they were everywhere. SO, i promptly threw the box down and ran away in horror. jones thought i had fallen off the chair i was standing on.
she cleaned it up, as she is afraid of most of the aforementioned things, but not maggots- apparently.
i'm still not over it.

so, here it is. a list of things i am scared of:
-maggots
-public speaking (unless its for my mentoring stuff, for some reason- i guess power- that doesnt bother me as much)
-snorkeling (i'll do it, but i get really paranoid because the goggles make everything look closer than it is)
-flying (but really, only when the plane takes off and lands)
-being the center of attention (hence the public speaking bit)
-confrentation (i dont like fighting and i HATE when people i care about are mad at me, esp. when they dont tell me why. so i guess as much as i hate conf., i'd rather that then have the silent treatment)
-math (including, but not limited to: doing my taxes, filling out forms for work, ringing people up at urban, dealing with any kind of money, tipping, loan/cc stuff and guessing the measurements of things-- ugh, thats prob the worst.)
-running into certain people when i am back in GA
-someone slitting my throat (i know this sounds random, but there is a reason. about 75% of the time, i actually sleep with my hands on my collarbone.)
-running out of money, not being able to pay rent and loosing all of my stuff (yeah, its just stuff-- but a lot of it means a lot to me and i've already lost so much in the past.)

i think thats about it.
so bring on the snakes and tarantulas (i love them). let me go sky diving anytime and leave me in the flat alone at night anytime.

just don't let me near a maggot.

brunch would be nice.

this was an interesting week.
other than the fun filled days at urban (i finally met the loss prevention guy and he's really nice), i got to spend a lot of quality time with my main man jamie, who is as cute as ever.

i had two interviews today to work on a couple more websites and im really confused about what to do. but that major decision wont come until next week, so stay tuned.

ive been addicted to "saved by the bell" lately. im on the 5th season. that stuff cracks me up.

my friend from high school is moving here too, she is supposed to get here tomorrow..so hopefully i will see her soon. i havent seen her in ages so that should be fun.

i might have to go work on a house tomorrow (doing some freelance interior design stuff) so i should prob. go to bed.

its freezing in NY ....and rainy. the worst. i miss warmth already. not being able to control the temp in my flat SUCKS.

also, the veins in my hand freak me out. they stick out a lot. isnt that bad?
weird.

weekend, here i come.

the way it is.

its funny, i forget that this is a public blog and that people read it. until someone asks me about something ive written, which always throws me off at first. i mean, i like that about it and if i didnt i would just keep a diary. but i just think its funny how shocked i am everytime someone brings something up. it happened 3 times today.
but, i digress.

its 12:47 and i have to be at urban at 10. i should prob go to bed, but i have an article due that will prob keep me up until 3-4am. that sucks. but, we've had this discussion before and you dont want to hear it, right? yeah.

today i paid nearly $400 for a plane ride to WV to see my brother play football and to see my grandparents over thanksgiving. im flying on thanksgiving day, so that i could go to the parade in the city and so that i dont have to fly the day before wednesday, since aiports/flying gives me a huge anxiety attack and everyone knows the day before thanksgiving is a bloody nightmare at the airports.
so, im broke now and unable to make my loan payment on friday which means im going to default on my student loans again. but i havent seen my brother in a year, so i guess im supposed to say its worth it. i just wish flying to WV wasnt such a pain. i have to fly from NY-NC-WV. its weird.

sigh, my mother would say i need a rich man. at this point i'd settle for a poor man that doesnt mind listening to me gripe and then giving me a hug.

or, if anyone could find scott speedman for me...that might work too.
:)

childhood memories.

"listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
listen to the DON'TS
listen to the SHOULDN'TS
the IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
listen to the NEVER HAVES
then listen close to me-
anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be."

--shel silverstein

things i hate.

i dont know why, but im in a bit of a blah mood today. so, here are some things that bug me (if this depresses you, i keep a list of the little things i love on my page all of the time, so just check that out. haha):

-people telling me to quit bitting my nails. (i know its a bad, gross habit but ive done it my whole life and i dont know how to quit anymore. i try.)
-baths. (i dont find them relaxing and i actually think the idea is kind of gross.)
-people who tell me that smoking is "bad for me." REALLY? huh, i had no idea. i thought these things were awesome for me!
-little dogs (im sorry, but its true.)
-people who stay in abusive relationships, or that stay with someone that is mean to them or someone they dont really love. generally, i am bothered by people in bad situations who do nothing to fix it. (i realize that this is sometimes hard, but there are also times when people just dont want to be alone, and thats a little pathetic. and i can say that, because ive been there)
-family guy, the simpsons, seinfeld and the king of queens. i DO NOT find these funny and i honestly dont understand how anyone else does either.
-conservative assholes. (ok, you LOVE george bush and you think abortion is murder. thats fine, just dont talk to me.)
-people who act like doing a little blow in the bathroom at a club is no big deal. (seriously!?)
-potheads.
-milk. at least, drinking it. (obviously, i put it in my cereal and with cooking. but just big, tall glass of milk? EW.)
-people that drink ALL the time/alcoholics. (AND- people that dont understand that when i say i "dont really drink that much" i really mean, i dont really like to drink that much and could we please see a movie instead of going to that bar, AGAIN.
-dirtyness. (ok, you're a little unorganized, maybe even messy. i will try to deal. but dirty?....thats annoying. plus its disgusting.)
-junk emails and FWRDS.
-wishy-washy/flakey people.
-dating sites. (thats a personal, for me thing. i realize that they work for so many people and some of my fave couples met online, but i had to do it once for a story - that never got published, mind you- and i wanted to DIE.)
-the fact that you cant get sweet tea (among other things) in NYC.
-when i have cigs but no lighter, or a lighter but im out of cigs. esp. after a long day. UGH.
-guys that wear the same ugly shoes everyday. seriously, i HATE bad shoe taste and this seems to be a bigger prob with guys (although, of course, sometimes girls make me cringe too.)
-religious, pushy people.
-complicated video games. i loose my patience
-trying to watch zach play football. i get pissed when they dont put him in but i get pissed when they do put him in and he gets hit really hard. i start pacing my flat with worry.
-people who always say "im bored." (i DO NOT believe in that shit, but i will save that for another blog.)
-the fact that the "pushing daises" pilot isnt online anymore
-my slow, old computer. i need a new one, but i cant afford it. (i cant afford anything, natch.)
-people who borrow things and dont give them back.
-bratty kids. (my parents beat the living shit out of me when i acted up. not saying that this was the best answer, but i hate when people "baby" their children.)
-the fact that there is nothing in WH. i miss the east village every single day.
-when the subway acts a fool.
-the fact that lightbulbs blow out in like 2 weeks in my flat.
-thanksgiving. (i'm nearly half native american, its basically the slaughter of my people. and dont get me started on how annoying it was to find out, AFTER THE FACT, that i could have gone to college for free. for some reason, i am reminded of this mostly at thanksgiving. haha.)
-the fact that sallie mae thinks i can pay $1,000 a month towards my student loans. i cant, so they have put me in forb. and call me daily to remind me i am delinquent. fuck you, sallie mae. fuck you.
-my mom guilt tripping me and nagging me about the way i look.
-one of my jobs, but i'll keep which to myself. basically, i think its insane that i still work there for what i make/what i do. but, i need the money. so. i guess i cant complain too much.
-when people disappear off the face of the planet/from your life. its happened to me a few times, including recently. i think its rude and selfish.
-the fight for financial freedom. not to be whiny, but being in NY made this hard for me. i never really knew the difference, but now that nearly everyone i know has money (or is at least doing OK) its hard to be happy with just getting by. i wish i could (for just like one week) know what its like to not have to spend ten minutes deciding if i can afford coffee on the way to work.

whoa, lets stop there for now.

scary.

just got home late from UO and have a bunch of emails from one of my editors. needs a story ASAP, which means im going to be up late and then getting up early again in the morning for UO. yuck. good thing i get plenty of sleep most days. :)
i shouldnt whine at all.
but i just dont know if this HT thing is worth it sometimes. i feel like its always bad timing with them...

tonight i kept thinking about how i think i scare people off. like, i think i come off as kinda shy/maybe a bitch. neither is true, im just quiet. but then i think that (sometimes) once people get to know me they like me and THEN i scare them off. because i talk constantly and im so passionate and all over the place. its like i try to stay quiet as not to scare people but then i come out of the box like a crazy person and they run away.

sigh. i dont know if that even makes sense anywhere but in my head but i feel like it happens a lot. i meet someone, i click with them and then they disappear. and one of my greatest fears is bugging people because i had a friend "break up" with me because she said i had too much going on in my brain. i constantly tell myself to chill out....eh, whatever. im crazy and i like it.

sigh. (again).
back to work.

love turns to obsession.

i cant wait for wednesdays!

pushing diasies.

is my most favoritist show on televsion. ive totatally fallen in love with this....
sigh.

so imagine my happiness at being told, for maybe the 20th time last night, by an old co-worker that i am "just like chuck." i dont think ive ever been told im like a TV/film character.

i dont know if i see it, i mean i think its weird to "see" yourself in that way. but its flattering, nonetheless!

friends&lovers- you abso-fucking-lutley must watch this delight.

if it were a man, i'd have married it after 10 minutes.
instead- i just need to find my ned...oh my. dreamyyyy.
:)