a moment of truth.

i had this conversation with a friend the other night about blogs.

you know some of your friends read it but you arent really sure which ones or how often they actually check it out. maybe if youre really brave this doesnt faze you either way and you just throw up what youre thinking no matter what. but more than likely, if you want to write something about or relating to someone who might read it (unless its something they already know or wouldnt mind) you'll censor yourself.

and while i hate that, i guess it makes the most sense. or does it? i cant really decide? should we not care at all or should we proceed with caution. its the same debate i always have with people over their dating habits. i tend to think if you like someone, you should just ask them out, go on a date and at the end (or whenever) say " you know what? im just going to put this out there. i like you." that way, if they dont- you know now and there arent months of games and trying to figure it out what every word of his text message "means." most of my friends think this is insane and that too much honesty scares guys off.

what the fuck do i know. ive been single,... forever.

what i do know: i wish people were more honest, all of the time. no matter what. one of the hardest, most painful moments of my life was also the most freeing. and although it seems tame compared to what else would go on my list, its important nonetheless. it was the day i looked at john and i finally just said it. what i'd been thinking for years. "i feel like i dont know you. i love someone who isnt there anymore and i cant blame you for that but i also cant even look at you without wanting to cry."

anyways, since i always preach the truth i guess i should follow it. so no matter who reads this, heres whats breaking my heart right now. and heres some things i never normally talk about.

i havent seen john in almost a year now. i thought about him more last weekend than i have in months and i hate admitting that. i HATE admitting that i miss him so much...and not my boyfriend, because unless you STILL dont know, john was always just my very, very best friend. so, truth #1. i miss someone whom i will prob never, ever have back in my life.

and while kendrick knows me so well too and i love him very much, the connection i had with john was insane in a different way. neither better, but theres something about being connected to someone through that most awkward part of life thats just so raw. more than anything, john was the only person ive ever known that i could totally let my freak flag fly with. if you dont know what that means, i cant explain it to you. sorry.

the other truth is that this all came about because of my weekend. i did a really great thing this weekend for two of my friends and i dont know that they even know it. i mean, know that it had as much to do with me as it did. and while im happy for them, it was heartbreaking for me in a very selfish way. trying to explain it was worthless (i tried) but i also know why.
but lets get to the good stuff:

the truth:
-i miss georgia. everyday. i wish i was this strong person who felt that i belong here. i deserve to be here, i worked hard to get here and i'd be insane to leave....but i may also be happier if i did.
-i miss my dad and i hope i see him before he dies. part of me hates myself for missing him.
-i'm jealous of only one person in this world: my brother. i need to admit that more.
-nothing bothers me more than when my friends dont keep in touch with me.
-my living situation makes me nuts.
-i really need a puppy. not want, NEED.
- i def. still watch "the bachelor" every season. every. season.
-thinking that josh and william dont want/need me around as much kills my soul daily.
-my sleep schedule is hardly healthy
-i still cant cry but sometimes i feel it getting closer.
-i hug people. i like hugging certain people, but those are few. i let some people hug me even though it hurts. knowing the difference between all of these just means you know me. but either way, i still dont cuddle. but thats a whole other story and once again, you'd just have to know my story.
-i'm still thinking about what katie said to me and feeling grateful. and i swear, i will be alone for the rest of my life unless i meet someone who sees in me half of what she does. and i'd be fine with that. just because all of the people who have "gotten me" in my life have just been my friends, well....thats better than no one.

(last truth: i deleted some of the truths that i wrote. everyone has secrets. and maybe....some things are better left unsaid.)

No comments: