there is a reason.

why it is bad to read someone elses emails, etc. it starts out as silly snooping until you find something you wish you hadnt. or maybe youre glad you did because you know the truth, but the truth is harder to live with.

ultimately, my heart is in my throat because its scarily true that you never really know another person. not even the people you think you can trust. but when you find out this way you cant even talk to them about it.


its over.

i hated it, i tried not to, i did anyways.

and its over. the holidays. new years is usually a let down, but not horrible, so im looking forward to that part.

otherwise, moving on with an otherwise fab. vacation at home. spending time with the girls, getting things checked off my list and sleeping in like its my job. still havent done any work but really doutbful that i will. i might.
i cant decide.

anyways, i dont miss NYC. not even one bit. and i cant help counting down my days here and getting more and more sad instead of not thinking about it. hell, i still have 9.5 more days.

there has been one sad part of my trip. i do not wish to elaborate.

and even though i have EW to look forward to, i more nervous than excited.
even though i dont know why.


gloria gaynor.

georgia is pure bliss for me. got my tea (thanks, kend), netflix and menthols.

except that i am being bad about my freelance work (but i might quit anyways, im having a lot of mixed feelings lately.)

sally's snoozing and ive cleaned the place up. i need to wrap some christmas presents though.
ah- so good to be home, as always.

there are a few things to be upset about but i'm not going to write about them here. i do wish a few more people wanted to see me but apprently people are pretty busy or they just dont care as much as i thought (or in some cases, as they acted like they were.)
i have TOO MANY people in my life that run so hot and cold that i have absolutley no clue how to read them and thats really hard for me sometimes.

meanwhile, the guy im liking right now is totally unavailable and being here doesnt make me focus on it any less.
(more so, prob.)

i planned on buying myself a new laptop this christmas (mine is about to turn 5 years old and its a little slow) but i wonder if i really NEEEEED it. i dont know. this one still works so maybe i could do something decent with it.

my nails are awesome. (midnight blue fakies)
UO has me broke.
im tired, i havent slept in since i got here.
i saw TWO movies yesterday, which ya know makes me happy.
elissa has a cool quote book.

heres a few good ones:

"I'm astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
-woody allen

""I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
-bill cosby



i'm going to GA in the morning. im soooo excited, but--

*i havent packed yet and theres still lots to do (its 1:30AM, i have to be up at 7AM). theres a chance i wont go to sleep at all. damnit.
*i'm a little sad a didnt get to see my husband before i left town (or katie, david, josh+william and lauren)
*someone at work asked me to do something cool on wednesday night that i will miss out on
*believe it or not, i was a little sad leaving work tonight and i'll miss it while im gone, mostly because when i get back i will be working there VERY little and i really, really love the people.
*even though i am sure i wont get sick of it and that i'll have lots of fun and be glad i did it, i am going home for a LONG time and i dont have much money to spend while im there so im going to have to be seriously careful and that kinda stinks.

but yeah. i should prob get on that packing/cleaning. i always forget something and i hate leaving my room a wreck. im taking the bus to the airport (to save cash) and i honestly hope i make it because i have so much to carry its seriously going to be such a pain in the ass i'll prob want to kill myself for doing it halfway through.

ps- my DVD remote stopped working, which is random as hell. does this mean i have to buy a completly new DVD player!? ew.

there is seriously so much stuff on my floor, i should take a picture because ive never seen it so dirty!


2 hours of sleep.

some days i say, "he's out there,..somewhere."

but a lot of days i really have trouble believing it.


put it in stone.

i start at entertainment weekly in january, my friends.

one of my ultimate dreams has come true and i guess i havent been talking about it a whole lot because it just seems like a dream like blur of reality. i was really happy when i told lauren and she like, freaked out, because honestly thats the reaction i needed. i told a handful of people that were all like, "oh. thats cool." and so i thought wow, either im crazy and this isnt as cool as i thought or they just dont know me well. of course, i dont need someone to verify my excitement- but it i guess i feel like i worked hard and a little excitement wouldnt kill ya, would it? haha.

after my 2nd interview, i walked by an office that read "owen gleiberman" next to the door and nearly had a heart attack.

im going to GA for two and a half weeks (dec. 19th- jan. 5th), kind of as a treat to myself. kick off the end of a CRAZY 2007 and enjoy my time before the new start. im so excited i could burst.

i just hope i wont have a problem getting up at like 730-8am M-F. omg, that sounds like HELL. haha. i havent had a normal schedule in awhile, folks. right now i average getting to sleep in like 3-4 days a week. haha.

and it looks like things are going to work out with urban, they are going to let me stay and work a little there too and i am really happy cause i thought they were gonna kick my ass for taking so much holiday time off and switching my availibility to almost nothing. i would really, really miss it in a lot of ways if i had to leave, so im glad that worked out. i guess part of me not saying much yet was waiting to see what was going to happen with that.

although, i loved my schedule this week and next week (starting tomorrow), i go back to closing which (obvi.) isn't my fave thing in the world. but i have a new "bestie" at work (look guys, ive learned a new word!) and im excited as always to have met someone that i think is really great and that i want to get to know.

now if only we could do something about this weather...but alas, the GA will be much warmer.

ahhh- i hope some more good films come out soon. we seem to be in a bit of a drought. but i am still writing a bunch for hollywoodtoday.net, so check that out. i am also about to start to do some stuff for kiwibox.com so hit that up too.

i'm out of DC, and you know what that means.


so true.

i love finding really great magazine articles/blogs. after "the boyfriend" conversation with my friend diana (in which i told her that, no, i didnt want to be set up), she sent me a message with the link to this article and told me it reminded me of what i'd said. thing is, i went through a year of being set up by my friends and it was a complete nightmare. and this is why:

Posted by Lauren Iannotti
Marie Claire

What Your Friends Really Think of You

When I was 26, Tara, a friend from high school, set me up with her boyfriend's best friend, the most beautiful Asian-American graphic designer. He ate tofu, forswore television, sat with INS detainees in prison in his free time. I took this to mean that Tara thought I was attractive, mature, and altruistic. I was pleased, even as I passed on a second yawner date with the teetotaling vegan do-gooder.

As your mid-20s kick in and your friends start pairing off furiously, they want you in the couples club, so the blind-date offers begin. You sign on because there's something deeply flattering about your roommate thinking you're worthy of her cousin's brother-in-law's bandmate. Until you realize the connection between you is tenuous. "Wait, you love badminton? My husband's boss loves badminton!" (No mention up front that the boss is also a Holocaust denier.) You spend a few hours with the guy, and once you've dodged the good-night kiss, you're left wondering if the two of you had anything in common besides the acquaintance who brought you together.

That's when it hits you: If your friends keep setting you up with guys who have the same effect as two glasses of Malbec and an Ambien, they must think you're ... lame.

I gave it one last shot when Cynthia, a friend from college, introduced me to a guy in her research lab. She described him as: supersmart, cute, English, a soccer fan (as am I), and kind of weird — in a good way. "Like you," she told me, and I was flattered. Weird in a good way is the opposite of boring, I figured.

"One thing," she added. "He dyes his hair — kind of a punk thing. Just not sure what color you'll get. That okay?" A punk with a Ph.D.? I was in love.

William and I arranged to meet at a bar near my office. When I arrived, I spotted him instantly. A bit round, with a Black Flag T-shirt, glasses, and a full head of Day-Glo-green hair. He saw me and offered a winning smile. He was not Mr. Universe. He was adorable.

And then he spoke, and I realized he wasn't English, he was English-ish. He'd moved Stateside at 9, which left him with perfect grammar, aggressive enunciation, and an utter lack of humor. Just like Madonna.

As I gulped down my second pint of Stella — Sir William the Earnest said with a patronizing smile that my fondness for it would likely lead to breast cancer, according to his research — it dawned on me. Cynthia didn't just think I was weird, she thought I was a total spaz. I was okay with this — at least I'd outgrown boring. But I didn't see William again. And I didn't see Cynthia again, either. She didn't know me. If she did, she would have realized that for me, green hair is totally hot, but a date without a laugh? Not so much.


a moment of truth.

i had this conversation with a friend the other night about blogs.

you know some of your friends read it but you arent really sure which ones or how often they actually check it out. maybe if youre really brave this doesnt faze you either way and you just throw up what youre thinking no matter what. but more than likely, if you want to write something about or relating to someone who might read it (unless its something they already know or wouldnt mind) you'll censor yourself.

and while i hate that, i guess it makes the most sense. or does it? i cant really decide? should we not care at all or should we proceed with caution. its the same debate i always have with people over their dating habits. i tend to think if you like someone, you should just ask them out, go on a date and at the end (or whenever) say " you know what? im just going to put this out there. i like you." that way, if they dont- you know now and there arent months of games and trying to figure it out what every word of his text message "means." most of my friends think this is insane and that too much honesty scares guys off.

what the fuck do i know. ive been single,... forever.

what i do know: i wish people were more honest, all of the time. no matter what. one of the hardest, most painful moments of my life was also the most freeing. and although it seems tame compared to what else would go on my list, its important nonetheless. it was the day i looked at john and i finally just said it. what i'd been thinking for years. "i feel like i dont know you. i love someone who isnt there anymore and i cant blame you for that but i also cant even look at you without wanting to cry."

anyways, since i always preach the truth i guess i should follow it. so no matter who reads this, heres whats breaking my heart right now. and heres some things i never normally talk about.

i havent seen john in almost a year now. i thought about him more last weekend than i have in months and i hate admitting that. i HATE admitting that i miss him so much...and not my boyfriend, because unless you STILL dont know, john was always just my very, very best friend. so, truth #1. i miss someone whom i will prob never, ever have back in my life.

and while kendrick knows me so well too and i love him very much, the connection i had with john was insane in a different way. neither better, but theres something about being connected to someone through that most awkward part of life thats just so raw. more than anything, john was the only person ive ever known that i could totally let my freak flag fly with. if you dont know what that means, i cant explain it to you. sorry.

the other truth is that this all came about because of my weekend. i did a really great thing this weekend for two of my friends and i dont know that they even know it. i mean, know that it had as much to do with me as it did. and while im happy for them, it was heartbreaking for me in a very selfish way. trying to explain it was worthless (i tried) but i also know why.
but lets get to the good stuff:

the truth:
-i miss georgia. everyday. i wish i was this strong person who felt that i belong here. i deserve to be here, i worked hard to get here and i'd be insane to leave....but i may also be happier if i did.
-i miss my dad and i hope i see him before he dies. part of me hates myself for missing him.
-i'm jealous of only one person in this world: my brother. i need to admit that more.
-nothing bothers me more than when my friends dont keep in touch with me.
-my living situation makes me nuts.
-i really need a puppy. not want, NEED.
- i def. still watch "the bachelor" every season. every. season.
-thinking that josh and william dont want/need me around as much kills my soul daily.
-my sleep schedule is hardly healthy
-i still cant cry but sometimes i feel it getting closer.
-i hug people. i like hugging certain people, but those are few. i let some people hug me even though it hurts. knowing the difference between all of these just means you know me. but either way, i still dont cuddle. but thats a whole other story and once again, you'd just have to know my story.
-i'm still thinking about what katie said to me and feeling grateful. and i swear, i will be alone for the rest of my life unless i meet someone who sees in me half of what she does. and i'd be fine with that. just because all of the people who have "gotten me" in my life have just been my friends, well....thats better than no one.

(last truth: i deleted some of the truths that i wrote. everyone has secrets. and maybe....some things are better left unsaid.)


why i get out of bed.

saw this tonight before release.
amazing isnt enough of a word.
go see it.



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my friend amanda posted this on her blog today. she is moving back home after doing college/internships/job search in NY. i met her working at COSMOgirl! and i just really connect (and you know why, dear friend) to what she has said. i hope im brave enough one day to say the same:

Home Home Home

One of the speakers at my graduation said something that really stuck with me. Sitting among all of my peers and all of our parents at Radio City Music Hall in the middle of New York City, everything I had debated about my whole college career finally made sense. The speaker said, "Some of you will reach a point in your lives, maybe when you're 24, 35 or even some of you in your 50's where you will look at your life and say to yourself, 'This isn't where I want to be'. This is the point I reached, and the best advice I can give you is, change it. It's never too late to change your life around." Even though I was sitting with one thousand other people, I felt as though those words were meant for me in that moment. I thought about his words for days after my graduation, while I was on the Manhattan ferry boat with my parents and brother sight-seeing and walking around the City. But the final moment of my clarity happend at Penn Station when I was saying goodbye to my brother and my dad. My mom left earlier that day for the airport and I was just dropping my dad and brother off at the train station because they opted for Am-Track (don't even ask me why, I have no idea).

You know that lump in your throat that you get when you want to burst into tears but you can't and it starts to hurt? That's what happend to me when I hugged my dad goodbye. I instantly thought of the morning I left for NY in August 2002 and it would be the first time I lived away from my family. My dad and brother brought me to the airport and sat with me until I had to leave and I just burst into tears. And to be quite honest, I've almost burst into tears like that every single time I leave them when I go back to NY. I walked away from Penn Station not caring about how long it would take me to get home, I just pulled my sunglasses down and let a few tears roll down my cheeks, even on the train. I just kept thinking about my life and everything that has happend to me in the last few years. Ever since my dad's accident, I've really changed my mind about family and where I want to be. My mom has always been the parent to support me no matter what I want to do. She'd probably still support me if I wanted to run off and join a circus. I love her. I know I say this constantly, but I'm going to say it again, the most important thing in my life is my family. No doubt.

One of the things I've regretted the most since my great-grandparents passed away was that I didn't ask them enough questions about their lives, upbringing and lives. I was too young to understand and now I'll never know. I know in twenty years I'll look back on my life, when I'm 43, and hopefully I'll be married with children in a house in Minnesota. I'll miss the friends I've made here in NY, but I won't for a second regret moving back to MN. No job opportunities in NY could outweigh the time I would spend with family. How could a paycheck be more important than my family? You can't put a price on family and that's exactly why I can't leave them. I guess the reason I've been thinking about this so much today is because I'm leaving in less than two weeks and I am getting a little sad about the people I'll be saying goodbye to. There are a few people that I've wondered if I'll even see them again. Not close friends because I'll definately see them again before I go. I guess I mean people like the guy at the Deli on the corner who always says hi and tells me to have a good day. Or the guys who work at the convenience store on the other corner who always smile and small chat with me. It's hard for me to look back at my college experience and say, ok, I've partied with these people, lived in this dorm and studied with these professors. I've lived in 2 diff rooms, one apartment, had diff roommates, friends, classes and professors, even jobs! I have been exposed to so many people and I am very thankful for all of that. It's just hard to feel like I've settled anywhere yet.

Moving back to Minnesota, and to Minneapolis, I know some people from high school down there. Some of them are friends I was really close to back in middle school. I really miss them and I would love more than anything to reconnect with them but I know that would be hard. I'm excited to be with my family and my best friends I've grown up with. Some things will be hard to adjust to though. Such as, I will miss my wednesday drinking nights with Emily, my Monday opening shifts with Deanne and Meagan and our drinking afterwards, my random nights in Bay Ridge with Su and random nights at Kitty's with Anthony. You know that knot? When I think about all of this stuff it comes back. The last entry I wrote talked about how certain friends seem to be distancing themselves, they still are and I guess to them I say I'm sorry I'm leaving. I can't be sorry that I made this choice though because it's the right thing for me. I feel like I've used these last five years in NY to grow independently as a person in so many aspects of my life and I've just gone through so much in such a short period of time and I've lived and dealt with it. I'm ready to come home and be with the fam, ya'll. lol

xoxo Amanda

7 car pileup.

...thats what i feel like.

long week, long weekend.

but more on that later.