2.28.2009

can't go back now.


in the end the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself.

today, i'm moving into a house in atlanta. i made that choice, foggy headed and limbs partially tied, and im giving up left and right to keep it that way. i guess thats for a couple of reasons. mostly, i need to give atlanta a chance. that hasnt so much happened yet. i always wanted to be here because its where my friends were, but now i have to find my own reasons for staying. because as i anticipated, having my friends here is not enough. worthlessness ensues.

ONE YEAR. thats all i have to give it, and then i can leave again. and who knows where i will end up next. anyways. i better go move some boxes and start a pot of coffee. its going to be a long one. [but, hey, vacation tomorrow...]

2.27.2009

ben lee review.


sometimes youre proud of a review, sometimes youre not. this, in particular, was hard for me to write as i adore ben lee so much but did not so much adore this album. still, i like what i wrote and stand by it. and am thankful to paste for not butchering it.

dear chris. [i'll try and be brave this time]



and...


finally [most importantly]...

2.25.2009

obamas decide on first doggie.


portuguese water dog. i can live with that.

2.21.2009

the up and up.


even if im not getting exactly what i want. the sun is shining, in this moment.

tee-hee.

2.20.2009

its friday, stay calm.


My love for you is real
It moves like a summer breeze
My love for you is strong
Lord, it brings me to my knees

It was born in the wild
It's river long, rock strong
True and wild as hell
Honey now, my love for you is real

My love for you is calm
Candy sweet and thunder strength
My love for you is wild
It breaks the lockets melting

My love for you is long
Across the oceans all the same
My love for you is true
Meanings change but not the tale

It was born in the wild
It's river long, rock strong
True and never stings
Honey now, my love for you is real

Uh huh
It’s real, ohhh
It’s real, ohhh
Honey now, my love for you is real

ps- great romantic comedy list by my boy jeremy over at paste.
pps- gas is really expensive here. dare i say that transportation was cheaper in nyc? scandal!

2.19.2009

love is as love does.


“Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity...genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom...love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth...true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis, it is correct to say, 'Love is as love does'." -M. Scott Peck

tears in my eyes, rarities.


everyone should have a therapist who says, "fuck them all. tell them all to go to hell!"

missing a simpler time and place.


the thing is, i never loved new york the way i loved athens. it was this whole other thing all together. but nyc gave me something georgia never could, and that was the chance to be around a large group of people like me, an unparalleled independence and more great food than you could ever possibly need. of course, its easy to focus on the positives now, but somehow being lonely is way more comfortable than that in between phase.

as expected, i am feeling better. and i've got to get on with work and then spend the day helping jessica with wedding stuff. my headspace still isnt quite right, but im reeling it in little by little. i think the weirdest thing may be just how crazy this town has made me feel and probably seem. i always felt very "together" in new york, especially when i had been there awhile without a trip home. this place always played me like a fiddle, so im not sure how i didnt guess it wouldnt just do that all the time once i lived here for good.

i keep getting these rushes to move back. it comes on so strong sometimes. and i know a lot of people would see that as running away, but does that even matter? i wouldnt be running away from anything too important. my friends are used to being without me, no fantastic job has been had here and whatever is going on with boyface is only causing me more heartache than i think im up to handle. i find it highly ironic (and thus, totally apt) that he doesnt want me dating other people (OK, he says he does but i wasnt born yesterday), but he doesnt want to date me because he is afraid he might hurt me. i think the damage might be done there, buddy. either way, the ex situation is prob more than i'm equipped to swallow. so now, just trying to reconcile in my mind how you go from being somebodys "friend" to their friend. apparently, he is used to girls who live with weird definitions of the word, but i cant sleep at night like that. youre either just my friend, or youre much more. the grey areas hurt too much. brain overload.

the good part that i failed to bring up yesterday is exactly what sally has said a lot lately. whether or not i run back to nyc and no matter what happens with any of the people here, she is glad i went through all this. and so am i. i'm constantly absorbing everything around me and trying to make it function in my brain and in my heart. that divide, whew! i havent in so long had my heartstrings pulled on so consistently. and even when its painful, i guess its nice to know that they are there.

i have no idea if im on my way to being happy. but as i told my 3rd grade teacher, john, my high school guidance team, spike lee, sally and finally tommy....that is all i want to be when i grow up.

that feeling, part 2.


i described the lowest point, and even though i am not in the best place right now and should really be doing some other work, i'm going to attempt to lay out some of the good (muddled, of course, in my own constant confusion as to what that even means/is). its interesting that ive taken back to my blog to release some of this junk, but i suspect it comes from a place of not leaking as much of my personal life into my "first person" stories.

tonight, all hell broke loose. both of my parents are both still very ill, in and out of hospitals. i almost went out to see cathy today, but it seems she is doing a bit better and i yanked back to reality after hearing that my future roommates arent so keen on being house sisters anymore. go figure. out on the street and a little like the kid caught in the middle, i sat between them at a bar for what has to go down as one of the more awkward encounters of my young life. also sitting there knowing that as it turns out i wasnt going to get to say goodbye to whatshisface, though im guessing the parking lot outside of figo should have done the trick. it seems whenever i miss this guy, he is off with another lady. leading me to think (know?) that i'll never live up to the mishas and nicoles of the world. and jesus christ, am i ever not cut out for this!

one of the things ive picked up along the way is that we never get exactly what we bargained for. people arent perfect (and thank god) and we each come with our own little quirks and nuances. we find the people best equipped to hone in on our good stuff and expose it for exactly what it is. sure, they grab onto the shitty stuff at some point too but all is hoping that it doesnt tarnish the bigger package. we hope who we are stands tall, that its desirable and, you know, worth it. how we get to that point is a bit of a gamble, and my life wouldnt be my life without a bit of a funhouse to run through first.

its not the way i imagined it at all. i guess in truth its closer to what i expected in the grandness of reality, but nothing like the picturesque view id chosen to fidget with in my mind. boy meets girl, they like each other, they awkwardly hang out, they less awkwardly hang out, they get it on, they get it on (and only in that order because its my mind, OK?) and thats that. i can hardly understand head games, i havent the time for figuring out drama and i certainly am quite horrible at playing it cool. countless times over the past few weeks ive had people in my ear about "playing it cool," which always makes me laugh since im not sure i even know what that means. i'm trying so hard not to control everything and maintain my composure, but i must admit there are days when throwing the towel in seems much more appealing than sticking this out. what.am.i.doing?

but im not talking about the good parts, am i? i guess thats hard to focus on right now. and though i know i'll be fine in the morning, i have to wonder if its OK to solve every problem that way. well, i'm upset but i'll be over it it in the morning so whats the point. is that OK? pick your battles, sure. but which are the right ones? and when is enough... enough?

2.17.2009

song of the moment, leaving me breathless.


Gone For Good (Album) - The Shins

Untie me, I've said no vows
The train is getting way too loud
I gotta leave here my girl
Get on with my lonely life

Just leave the ring on the rail
For the wheels to nullify

Until this turn in my head
I let you stay and you paid no rent
I spent twelve long months on the lam

That's enough sitting on the fence
For the fear of breaking dams

I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love
And go out of my head


You love a sinking stone
That'll never elope
So get used to the lonesome

Girl, you must atone some
Don't leave me no phone number there

It took me all of a year
To put the poison pill to your ear
But now I stand on honest ground, on honest ground

You want to fight for this love
But honey you cannot wrestle a dove
So baby it's clear


You want to jump and dance
But you sat on your hands
And lost your only chance


Go back to your hometown
Get your feet on the ground
And stop floating around


I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love
And go out of my head

You love a sinking stone
That'll never elope
So get used to used to the lonesome
Girl, you must atone some
Don't leave me no phone number there

no caged bird = freedom.



walrus letter project.


check out the details here (though its too late to enter). was just saying that i wish i could have entered. instead, im going to quickly write a letter before bed. of course, nothing grand since its off the cuff...but just the same! i'd mentioned wanting to write it about an abstract idea or thing, but i think for my headspace i'll do something, er...better.

john-

tonight i was at a bar with some friends. quiet, as you know i often am in group settings, one of my future roommates pulled me outside to make sure i was okay. now, you know this makes me insane. im often in my own head, drifting in some space between what i'm going to do tomorrow and how much that piece in the times really bothered me that morning. i think she was insulted (in fact, i know she was...she called me jaded. a word you know i hate) and i really feel bad for that. but why in the fuck must everyone be so fucking loud all the time.

it made me miss you, as i often do. i think about you sparsely, but maybe more so these days. i miss our quiet moments. when we used to lay in my front yard and look at the stars. when you painted while i read. when we watched a film and a knowing look replaced a quick review. i miss that we turned our phones off together. i miss that you always made me feel like the only person you wanted to spend time with in that moment (for the record, no one has made me feel that way since. i still get stung by the sense that i'm a temporary amusement). i miss coffee and your food and silent phone calls and playing with dogs and board games and walks and art galleries and your surprises. god, i miss going to your art openings. i miss feeling proud of you and jesus christ, john... i selfishly miss you being proud of me. i think i only became this person to catch up with what you thought of me. i still lay in bed at night sometimes and wonder how i was ever, ever, ever good enough to be your best friend.

there are so many things going on right now that i'd love to talk to you about. that i know would be helped by hearing your words and your laughter. but it seems that i knew you so well that i already know what youd say. to face it, i'm going to write it here. you'd be shocked that i moved back to atlanta, and that shock would ultimately make me feel better. you'd also probably say that you know i wont be here for long. then you might quote dr. suess. you'd tell me not to worry about my future roommates and that a level head will equip me better than i think for the future. you'd also probably say that i'm crazy for trying to live with girls and that i better learn to stand a little taller. you'd say that missing new york makes sense, and then you'd ask me what i love about atlanta to give me an oprah approved "a-ha!" moment. and then you'd laugh at me again. you'd say i'll get used to the new social situation and not to feel bad or ever apologize for being a little uncomfortable. then you'd add that i should really grow some tougher skin when it comes to putting myself out there. you'd laugh hysterically at the idea of me doing improv (and then you'd say "we play every single day, so whats the need?") but you'd quickly understand my fascination.

and then i'd finally tell you that i might, maybe like someone. or maybe you'd just guess it. yep. and you'd tell me that you can't believe i waited all these years to feel for someone and that now that i do its someone who cant decide if they want me back. in fact, i know that this would break your heart more than it will (ultimately?) mine. if it were true,... but you wouldnt take my word for it. you'd sigh really silently and then you'd laugh again. i'd tell you some of the stories and you'd kiss the end of my index finger and shake your head. but you wouldnt say a word because you wouldnt have to. but then you'd get up and walk away and when you came back with a crumpled napkin in your hand i'd take it from you and you would have written on it something i wont write here. if you did talk about it, you'd tell me not to buy into games i'd never be able to get away with playing.

when you fell in love, i so appreciated you never telling me about it. but not for the reasons most people thought (fuck them, they never got it, right?) but for the real reason that we had silently mentioned so long prior. you wanted to make sure that i went through it from my own balance. you wanted me to feel the complete wash and you wanted me to do it without your warnings. there are days when i am so excited to know what its like, though most of the time it just seems too scary. to that, i know youd laugh. i miss your sincere levity.

thanks for buying me a telescope and showing me how you see the world.
thanks for indulging my fantasies and dreams and silently encouraging the whims that now shape my life.
thanks for never letting me get away with anything and for always standing up to me. and by me.
thanks for listening and understanding my hectic existence.
thanks for always being sensitive to my quirks. or, you know, about everything. youre rare, my friend.
thanks for sharing your art with me and thus truly letting me in.
thanks for making me worthy of your love and patience.
thanks for buying me a puppy so i wouldnt be lonely.
thanks for believing in me always.
thanks for giving me what i needed and not just what i thought i wanted.
thanks for thinking that im the funniest person on the planet who has no idea theyre funny.
thanks for truly wanting to understand me and constantly instigating touching conversations about what was on our minds.
thanks for reading to me every night.
thanks for being my best friend and helping me believe that my partner is out there.
thanks for letting me go so that i could learn to be more brave.
thanks for never asking me why i'm being quiet.
thanks for all the things i cant say here but that i know you know.

dont worry. my freak flag isnt flying quite yet, but i've got in my back pocket for whoever is ready.
thanks for being ready.
lauren

ps- i wrote my letter to you for many reasons. one being that Cathy gave me a found letter from you today and it made me blissfully happy. i will post some of it here.

"my dear,

i want you to know how special you are to me and will forever be, no matter what happens forever and forever. i have never met anyone like you. you are the letter i get in the mail clearly marked "john crowe" that makes me feel important. i don't know if you understand that. i think you do.

i feel like i have no right in saying i love you, but i know i love your deceptive, sarcastic, womanly ways of utter fascination. i love describing colors and things of beauty to you. i love how you simply amuse yourself. i love how you roll your eyes. i love how you say "whatever" when you're upset. i love that you read the end of a book before you start. i love your totally unwavering support, comfort and inspiration. i love how you think i am deep and i love how you are so much deeper than myself and you don't even realize it. i love how you don't like anyone watching you eat. or watching you do anything. i love the care and constant concern you have for your friends, even mine. i love that you always worry about me..."

2.16.2009

it's not in the gutter, my friends.

unleash an adventure.

movie dialogue at its best, chasing amy.





that feeling.


you know that feeling when your heart feels like its being pierced by one million little daggers? but its not because some major thing has happened...its because youre feeling emotional, and put out there and only the smallest thing will send you over the edge? you know how most of the time you feel strong, and when you feel broken by one stupid thing it only makes you feel worthless and a little crazy? so fucking silly. and then the others persons casual asides confirm your worst fear.

you know how when this happens, nothing can hold your attention? not your favorite book, a comforting movie or catching up on a fantastic tv show. but you cant sleep...the only answer. and then you call your friends but they are out or asleep and then you feel grateful because how could you explain this while making any sense anyhow. and you wrestle with yourself over the craziness of it all but eventually fall prey to your own emotions. you think about how normal it all actually is...the fact that so many have felt so similar and infact there are probably thousands of people outside your window feeling exactly the same. and if they were you, youd give them the best advice and ease their minds. but its not them this time, its you. and you have nothing to say to yourself to make it better or to make it go away.

you try and cry but nothing comes out. you'd scream if it wouldnt wake the neighbors. youd fly to new york city if you could afford it or at the very least take a walk if the danger didnt outway your desire. you should prob work, since youre home and cant relax. but of course thats not comforting at all. so you write about it, hoping it will help but it doesnt. and then you realize that its possible youve never felt this before, and wonder how so many people cope with it. the layering of emotional intensity scares you.

the realization that youve let someone in enough to break you...to hurt you by such a large degree over something so small. and knowing that it might happen again and again.

this is painful.

2.12.2009

coraline.



saw recently. no one has asked me what i thought of it, so i think i gave my mind a breather and didnt think about it for a bit. but while i agree that it was beautiful and a delight to watch, i must admit it felt hard for me to connect to the character. i didnt love the acting choices and i thought coraline was very, very bratty. i know shes a kid and all, but it made it harder for me to feel for her. i thought she was going to be a real badass chick, a la marjarine in persepolis. i gotta give it to that film...still the best ive seen in ages. i think i have it on dvd in new york. i hope.

2.11.2009

congrats, ry.


my sweetheart is finally getting hitched. it only took wading through too many years and too many indie rock chicks for him to fall for mandy. and hey, not what i would have guessed for him, but she is sweet as pie and got the man to quit smoking. and that dude loves to smoke more than anyone else i know. love to you both, invite me to your sure-to-be private wedding and dont forget to have the cutest babies, um, ever.

ps- am i the last to know zooey and ben are getting married? i knew they were dating, but apparently they announced their engagement around the ring of the new year. somebody slap me.

2.09.2009

ffffound!


i want to get back on the graphic novel train. toot-toot.

nostalgic, good ideas.

felicity, [love.]





so nice that someone wrote a show that fit so perfectly in my heart. when i get a home, i want to rewatch again, its time. i believe felicity made me feel real and qualified and not...ya know, weird. its just a fully realized show and its a shame not more people got on board. this scene, ah man. i'd forgotten.

"The truth is, I can't be with you like this. I mean, I know I said that I could, but I can't. I just can't compromise myself like that. I mean, I'm an emotional person. I feel things and I need to be able to get upset, and talk about how I'm feeling. I mean, that's just, that's who I am, and I can't change it. I don't want to. And the thing is, you knew that, you knew it, and you still pursued me. Because you want something with me. You just aren't strong enough to have it. Which in a way makes you a coward. And the saddest part is that, one day you're going to wake up, and you're going to realize what you missed and its going to be too late." - Felicity

the song that made freshman year.



...and is currently making me wish for a guitar.

2.08.2009

hi-friend.

hi-larity.

fail.



indeed, my friends, the grass is always greener. after 5 months of nearly never thinking of nyc, my thoughts have been constantly consumed by my isolating city. i know that the appeal is the run...to run away from the hard stuff is so cleansing. i hang in the balance between feeling like i need to confront my fear of others head on while also feeling like i was doing just fine before. i wish i could command clear headspace, but i cannot. more than anything, id love to be as cool, relaxed and laid back as so many that ive met here. but dudes, i'm a fuckin' new yorker...emotional. neurotic. the facade is breaking, im tipping over and the chips are most certainly falling. at least i know i'm sane, and as sally so nicely reminded me, i'm prob the most "together" person i know. ha! but what does that even mean anymore?

i guess it means clearing the air in order to keep in that way. were smart enough to know whats toxic for us, and too many people here keep that shit around them. masochist? go down swinging.

ps- i miss you, new york. youre quite glorious, arent you? but i left you for a reason and its not time to crawl back quite yet. like a bad a relationship or an awful drug, my god. ha- learning about myself these days has been taken to an all new and quite interesting level.

and, as always...
feel completely without guilt - trust that your emotions are legitimate for you- accept needed change, accept some inaliable truths about yourself- admit them - learn to let go.

2.05.2009

i go to the barn because i like the, band of horses.

Well I'd like to think I'm the mess you'd wear with pride.
Like some empty dress on the bed you've layed out for tonight.
Maybe I'll tell you sometime.

Time. Sometime.

And you were right.

Right.
You were right.
Outside, by your doorstep
In a worn out suit and tie.
I'll wait
For you to come down
Where you'll find me
Where we'll shine.

Oh.

flickr, 2.


flickr.

ffffound! [chris, 5].







image bookmarking.

2.04.2009

new review up at paste.


a little nicer than i wanted to be.

ben lee review should be up soon, along with some other guy whose name escapes me.

ugh.


i realize im more sensitive than most on this issue, but seriously. girl looks fucking good and people need to take some chill pills. what the fuck is wrong with us!?

kendrick in maine.




enjoy it, babe. though, i'm still mad for no goodbye i hope a visit manifests. esp since ive just realized we have no pictures together.

ry skates.