that feeling, part 2.

i described the lowest point, and even though i am not in the best place right now and should really be doing some other work, i'm going to attempt to lay out some of the good (muddled, of course, in my own constant confusion as to what that even means/is). its interesting that ive taken back to my blog to release some of this junk, but i suspect it comes from a place of not leaking as much of my personal life into my "first person" stories.

tonight, all hell broke loose. both of my parents are both still very ill, in and out of hospitals. i almost went out to see cathy today, but it seems she is doing a bit better and i yanked back to reality after hearing that my future roommates arent so keen on being house sisters anymore. go figure. out on the street and a little like the kid caught in the middle, i sat between them at a bar for what has to go down as one of the more awkward encounters of my young life. also sitting there knowing that as it turns out i wasnt going to get to say goodbye to whatshisface, though im guessing the parking lot outside of figo should have done the trick. it seems whenever i miss this guy, he is off with another lady. leading me to think (know?) that i'll never live up to the mishas and nicoles of the world. and jesus christ, am i ever not cut out for this!

one of the things ive picked up along the way is that we never get exactly what we bargained for. people arent perfect (and thank god) and we each come with our own little quirks and nuances. we find the people best equipped to hone in on our good stuff and expose it for exactly what it is. sure, they grab onto the shitty stuff at some point too but all is hoping that it doesnt tarnish the bigger package. we hope who we are stands tall, that its desirable and, you know, worth it. how we get to that point is a bit of a gamble, and my life wouldnt be my life without a bit of a funhouse to run through first.

its not the way i imagined it at all. i guess in truth its closer to what i expected in the grandness of reality, but nothing like the picturesque view id chosen to fidget with in my mind. boy meets girl, they like each other, they awkwardly hang out, they less awkwardly hang out, they get it on, they get it on (and only in that order because its my mind, OK?) and thats that. i can hardly understand head games, i havent the time for figuring out drama and i certainly am quite horrible at playing it cool. countless times over the past few weeks ive had people in my ear about "playing it cool," which always makes me laugh since im not sure i even know what that means. i'm trying so hard not to control everything and maintain my composure, but i must admit there are days when throwing the towel in seems much more appealing than sticking this out. what.am.i.doing?

but im not talking about the good parts, am i? i guess thats hard to focus on right now. and though i know i'll be fine in the morning, i have to wonder if its OK to solve every problem that way. well, i'm upset but i'll be over it it in the morning so whats the point. is that OK? pick your battles, sure. but which are the right ones? and when is enough... enough?

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