missing a simpler time and place.

the thing is, i never loved new york the way i loved athens. it was this whole other thing all together. but nyc gave me something georgia never could, and that was the chance to be around a large group of people like me, an unparalleled independence and more great food than you could ever possibly need. of course, its easy to focus on the positives now, but somehow being lonely is way more comfortable than that in between phase.

as expected, i am feeling better. and i've got to get on with work and then spend the day helping jessica with wedding stuff. my headspace still isnt quite right, but im reeling it in little by little. i think the weirdest thing may be just how crazy this town has made me feel and probably seem. i always felt very "together" in new york, especially when i had been there awhile without a trip home. this place always played me like a fiddle, so im not sure how i didnt guess it wouldnt just do that all the time once i lived here for good.

i keep getting these rushes to move back. it comes on so strong sometimes. and i know a lot of people would see that as running away, but does that even matter? i wouldnt be running away from anything too important. my friends are used to being without me, no fantastic job has been had here and whatever is going on with boyface is only causing me more heartache than i think im up to handle. i find it highly ironic (and thus, totally apt) that he doesnt want me dating other people (OK, he says he does but i wasnt born yesterday), but he doesnt want to date me because he is afraid he might hurt me. i think the damage might be done there, buddy. either way, the ex situation is prob more than i'm equipped to swallow. so now, just trying to reconcile in my mind how you go from being somebodys "friend" to their friend. apparently, he is used to girls who live with weird definitions of the word, but i cant sleep at night like that. youre either just my friend, or youre much more. the grey areas hurt too much. brain overload.

the good part that i failed to bring up yesterday is exactly what sally has said a lot lately. whether or not i run back to nyc and no matter what happens with any of the people here, she is glad i went through all this. and so am i. i'm constantly absorbing everything around me and trying to make it function in my brain and in my heart. that divide, whew! i havent in so long had my heartstrings pulled on so consistently. and even when its painful, i guess its nice to know that they are there.

i have no idea if im on my way to being happy. but as i told my 3rd grade teacher, john, my high school guidance team, spike lee, sally and finally tommy....that is all i want to be when i grow up.