walrus letter project.
check out the details here (though its too late to enter). was just saying that i wish i could have entered. instead, im going to quickly write a letter before bed. of course, nothing grand since its off the cuff...but just the same! i'd mentioned wanting to write it about an abstract idea or thing, but i think for my headspace i'll do something, er...better.
tonight i was at a bar with some friends. quiet, as you know i often am in group settings, one of my future roommates pulled me outside to make sure i was okay. now, you know this makes me insane. im often in my own head, drifting in some space between what i'm going to do tomorrow and how much that piece in the times really bothered me that morning. i think she was insulted (in fact, i know she was...she called me jaded. a word you know i hate) and i really feel bad for that. but why in the fuck must everyone be so fucking loud all the time.
it made me miss you, as i often do. i think about you sparsely, but maybe more so these days. i miss our quiet moments. when we used to lay in my front yard and look at the stars. when you painted while i read. when we watched a film and a knowing look replaced a quick review. i miss that we turned our phones off together. i miss that you always made me feel like the only person you wanted to spend time with in that moment (for the record, no one has made me feel that way since. i still get stung by the sense that i'm a temporary amusement). i miss coffee and your food and silent phone calls and playing with dogs and board games and walks and art galleries and your surprises. god, i miss going to your art openings. i miss feeling proud of you and jesus christ, john... i selfishly miss you being proud of me. i think i only became this person to catch up with what you thought of me. i still lay in bed at night sometimes and wonder how i was ever, ever, ever good enough to be your best friend.
there are so many things going on right now that i'd love to talk to you about. that i know would be helped by hearing your words and your laughter. but it seems that i knew you so well that i already know what youd say. to face it, i'm going to write it here. you'd be shocked that i moved back to atlanta, and that shock would ultimately make me feel better. you'd also probably say that you know i wont be here for long. then you might quote dr. suess. you'd tell me not to worry about my future roommates and that a level head will equip me better than i think for the future. you'd also probably say that i'm crazy for trying to live with girls and that i better learn to stand a little taller. you'd say that missing new york makes sense, and then you'd ask me what i love about atlanta to give me an oprah approved "a-ha!" moment. and then you'd laugh at me again. you'd say i'll get used to the new social situation and not to feel bad or ever apologize for being a little uncomfortable. then you'd add that i should really grow some tougher skin when it comes to putting myself out there. you'd laugh hysterically at the idea of me doing improv (and then you'd say "we play every single day, so whats the need?") but you'd quickly understand my fascination.
and then i'd finally tell you that i might, maybe like someone. or maybe you'd just guess it. yep. and you'd tell me that you can't believe i waited all these years to feel for someone and that now that i do its someone who cant decide if they want me back. in fact, i know that this would break your heart more than it will (ultimately?) mine. if it were true,... but you wouldnt take my word for it. you'd sigh really silently and then you'd laugh again. i'd tell you some of the stories and you'd kiss the end of my index finger and shake your head. but you wouldnt say a word because you wouldnt have to. but then you'd get up and walk away and when you came back with a crumpled napkin in your hand i'd take it from you and you would have written on it something i wont write here. if you did talk about it, you'd tell me not to buy into games i'd never be able to get away with playing.
when you fell in love, i so appreciated you never telling me about it. but not for the reasons most people thought (fuck them, they never got it, right?) but for the real reason that we had silently mentioned so long prior. you wanted to make sure that i went through it from my own balance. you wanted me to feel the complete wash and you wanted me to do it without your warnings. there are days when i am so excited to know what its like, though most of the time it just seems too scary. to that, i know youd laugh. i miss your sincere levity.
thanks for buying me a telescope and showing me how you see the world.
thanks for indulging my fantasies and dreams and silently encouraging the whims that now shape my life.
thanks for never letting me get away with anything and for always standing up to me. and by me.
thanks for listening and understanding my hectic existence.
thanks for always being sensitive to my quirks. or, you know, about everything. youre rare, my friend.
thanks for sharing your art with me and thus truly letting me in.
thanks for making me worthy of your love and patience.
thanks for buying me a puppy so i wouldnt be lonely.
thanks for believing in me always.
thanks for giving me what i needed and not just what i thought i wanted.
thanks for thinking that im the funniest person on the planet who has no idea theyre funny.
thanks for truly wanting to understand me and constantly instigating touching conversations about what was on our minds.
thanks for reading to me every night.
thanks for being my best friend and helping me believe that my partner is out there.
thanks for letting me go so that i could learn to be more brave.
thanks for never asking me why i'm being quiet.
thanks for all the things i cant say here but that i know you know.
dont worry. my freak flag isnt flying quite yet, but i've got in my back pocket for whoever is ready.
thanks for being ready.
ps- i wrote my letter to you for many reasons. one being that Cathy gave me a found letter from you today and it made me blissfully happy. i will post some of it here.
i want you to know how special you are to me and will forever be, no matter what happens forever and forever. i have never met anyone like you. you are the letter i get in the mail clearly marked "john crowe" that makes me feel important. i don't know if you understand that. i think you do.
i feel like i have no right in saying i love you, but i know i love your deceptive, sarcastic, womanly ways of utter fascination. i love describing colors and things of beauty to you. i love how you simply amuse yourself. i love how you roll your eyes. i love how you say "whatever" when you're upset. i love that you read the end of a book before you start. i love your totally unwavering support, comfort and inspiration. i love how you think i am deep and i love how you are so much deeper than myself and you don't even realize it. i love how you don't like anyone watching you eat. or watching you do anything. i love the care and constant concern you have for your friends, even mine. i love that you always worry about me..."