you know that feeling when your heart feels like its being pierced by one million little daggers? but its not because some major thing has happened...its because youre feeling emotional, and put out there and only the smallest thing will send you over the edge? you know how most of the time you feel strong, and when you feel broken by one stupid thing it only makes you feel worthless and a little crazy? so fucking silly. and then the others persons casual asides confirm your worst fear.
you know how when this happens, nothing can hold your attention? not your favorite book, a comforting movie or catching up on a fantastic tv show. but you cant sleep...the only answer. and then you call your friends but they are out or asleep and then you feel grateful because how could you explain this while making any sense anyhow. and you wrestle with yourself over the craziness of it all but eventually fall prey to your own emotions. you think about how normal it all actually is...the fact that so many have felt so similar and infact there are probably thousands of people outside your window feeling exactly the same. and if they were you, youd give them the best advice and ease their minds. but its not them this time, its you. and you have nothing to say to yourself to make it better or to make it go away.
you try and cry but nothing comes out. you'd scream if it wouldnt wake the neighbors. youd fly to new york city if you could afford it or at the very least take a walk if the danger didnt outway your desire. you should prob work, since youre home and cant relax. but of course thats not comforting at all. so you write about it, hoping it will help but it doesnt. and then you realize that its possible youve never felt this before, and wonder how so many people cope with it. the layering of emotional intensity scares you.
the realization that youve let someone in enough to break you...to hurt you by such a large degree over something so small. and knowing that it might happen again and again.
this is painful.