soundbites.

one of the things that i do for my job is watch TV all week and write down funny quotes from different series. my boss then takes the quotes and sends them out to all the top editors who vote on their favorites. thats how we decide which quotes go into the issue in the little soundbites box. fun, right? i really enjoy helping out with it and wanted to give you kiddies a sample of what i might turn in every tuesday. enjoy the funny!

E! News

“I used to do it on Clay Aiken all the time and he was fine with it.”—Mezghan, the head makeup artist for “American Idol,” talking to E! about her experience getting guys to wear makeup on the show on E! News

Americas Next Top Model

“I wanna be like freakin’ Mother Theresa, but in a diva kind of way, okay?” —Dominique, talking about her life goals on Americas Next Top Model

“Sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you just are one.”—Tyra, commenting on some of the more eccentric girls on Americas Next Top Model

30 Rock

“She had too much champagne and a monkey knocked her into some quicksand. It could happen to anyone.”—Lutz (John Lutz) after Liz remarks that she hates the show “MILF Island” and asks if someone really died during production on 30 Rock

“”MILF Island” reflects the drama of the human experience and isn’t that the essence of art?” –Jack (Alec Baldwin) defending his new show on 30 Rock

“That's interesting. I didn't know it was hot in 'Assylvania'”—Frank (Judah Friedlander), after asking Jonathan if someone turned the heat up to which Jonathan replied that where he is from, people don’t notice the heat, on 30 Rock

“When I was a child, I had a terrible stutter and I rarely spoke in class…the kids at school - they called me names... 'Mrs. Stutterworth', 'Stutterfingers', 'Stuttermilk Pancakes'... the 'butter' thing opened up a lot of doors for them.”—Jack (Alec Baldwin), on 30 Rock

“I love it up here. It's hot. It's loud. There's no pizza. It's like Miami.”—Tracy (Tracy Morgan), when Liz asks why he is hanging out outside of Jack’s office on 30 Rock

“Ms. Lemon! Your eyes look like my uncle's after he would drink from the air conditioner!”—Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) after Liz gets pissed off about Kenneth threatening to tell her secret on 30 Rock

“Deborah is testing off the charts in the most profitable demographics: soccer moms, Nascar dads, white-collar pervs and the obese.”—Jack (Alec Baldwin), excited about the success of “MILF Island” on 30 Rock

Scrubs

“Okay, here's the other thing. Carla doesn't want her to have any juice. But, if you let her sip from a juice box, she gets really, really happy and starts squeaking like R2-D2.” –Turk (Donald Faison), explaining to Elliot what he does for Izzy that Carla doesn’t know about on Scrubs

“Wow, you're bringing the crazy extra hard today huh?” –Turk (Donald Faison), after Carla has a meltdown about their kids future on Scrubs

“She won't have any friends, she's going to drop out off high school, she's going to start dating some gang banger who you're going to harass over and over again to get his life together, until he snaps and shoots you in the face. Oh my God!”—Carla (Judy Reyes), after Izzy gets kicked out of her playgroup on Scrubs

Two and a Half Men

“I’m telling you Alan, one of these days that kid is going to fart and birds are going to fall out of the sky.” –Charlie (Charlie Sheen), after Jake decides to go get extra caramel put on his chocolate shake on Two and a Half Men

“One hour!? I want sex, not surround sound.”—Alan (Jon Cryer), after Charlie tells him that getting a hooker will cost $1500 an hour on Two and a Half Men

Rules of Engagement

“Oh, sure. We’re young and just starting out, we don’t have any money. Oh wait…that was fifteen years ago!”—Audrey (Megyn Price), after her husband books another cheap vacation on Rules of Engagement

“You know how I love doing battle with those guys, I’ll just stare them down. They got a lot of nerve charging those prices, those mints get thinner every year!”—Jeff (Patrick Warburton), after his wife is asks if he is going to handle the sleazy sales people at the salon the same way he handles the girl scouts that come door-to-door on Rules of Engagement

“I wish they didn’t allow kids,…that line at the water slide was crazy long.”—Adam (Oliver Hudson) after his fiancée mentions what a nice places their hotel is on Rules of Engagement

“It serves me right for breaking my rule: never help anybody ever.” –Russell (David Spade) after spilling meat sauce all over himself while doing a favor for Jeff on Rules of Engagement

“Hey, there he is, Tiger-always-in-the-Woods.” Jeff (Patrick Warburton) making fun of Adam’s golf game on Rules of Engagement

The Big Bang Theory

“So, this is engineering, huh? Engineering…where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello oompa loompas of science.” — Sheldon (Jim Parsons), visiting his friend Howard at work on The Big Bang Theory

“You’ll have to excuse Dr. Cooper, he’s been under a lot of, um….he’s nuts.”—Dr. Gablehauser (Mark Harelik) after Sheldon tries to explain his theory on winning the Nobel Peace Prize by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the Mexican dessert to the new 15 year old genius at work on The Big Bang Theory

“Ladies and Gentleman, honored daughters. While Mr. Kim, by virtue of his youth and naiveté has fallen pray to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go uninterrupted and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me. Thank you.” —Sheldon (Jim Parsons) stepping in to make a speech after the new scientist at work, a young genius, leaves his own welcoming ceremony to go to the mall with a girl on The Big Bang Theory

“I don’t know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the police woman “you have to frisk me, I have another rocket in my pants.””—Leonard (Johnny Galecki) after Howard complains for getting a ticket for launching a model airplane in the park on The Big Bang Theory