last night.

i relinquished control. i put myself out there on that plank and though i had to shove my fleeting heart to the edge, i think im proud of myself. who knows what happens next? not me, but the thing here is that i allowed myself to feel something close to affection for a split second in time. thats not really new, but in this exacting experience it was all new. im sure i let my nerves get the better of me, but instead of coming away feeling less than normal (which usually comes on the strongest when i dont have control) i feel pretty enlightened. because at the end of this day and the next, i know what im worth, who i am and what i have to give to those around me. and thats a jump i cant take back. though im defensive when thinking that the positives arent more transparent to some around me, im hopeful the right ones will peer through the clouds. im more of a romantic than a loner, a secret only some seem to have unraveled.

for the very first time, im starting to contemplate what kate called out so long ago. thanks for your words, mydear. maybe you get me better than anyone (i flatter myself) or maybe youre just my number one fan that i could most def not live without. love to you always, and as you said "you are incredible and everyone who doesn't see that is just bat fucking blind." maybe soon, this archeologist will show himself. until then, soldier on...

because my god, what a life.

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