when does it hurt less?

i hate feeling like i have no idea or control over what happened. i know these things happen all the time. that you dont always get an answer. and i recognize that the black and white truth of this situation is that he just didnt care for me the way i care for him. not as much, or not in the same way. in fact, i think i always knew that. i wanted to believe that was getting better, and that he felt it but just didnt show it - but maybe i was wrong. its so hard to shift through to tell. the whole time was so hot and cold.

its easier to believe that he just didnt like me that much (even though it makes him a tool for sticking around so long). but i have trouble believing that too. it seems the only thing that makes sense to me is that he just freaked out because of other shit in his life. in a way, im not sure we could have ever gone from where we were into something more. but i also cant imagine ever being willing to invite him back into my heart. ive never felt so betrayed by someone i care about. and not just because its over, but because of the way it happened. of course i cant be his friend. how do people do that!? le sigh. i'm sick of being on this side of heartbreak.