anytime i get upset about the ex [not CN - f that guy], zoe oftentimes makes me feel better. the truth is, this kid just has no idea what he's doing. he's never been thru a breakup and so his attempts at doing the "right" thing for himself and for our floundering friendship... are often misguided. for there are no black and white's in love - and i'm afraid that's the only way he functions. either we're together and he's awesome or we're not and therefore he can only mildly show any type of emotion towards me. he is afraid every little thing he does will signal to me that he's ready to dive back in - as if he were the only one to have any real restraint. as if it was ME who had all the feelings throughout. it's amazing to me how you can love someone so much who treats you so weirdly. i want to help him but he isn't hearing it coming from me. the emotional part for me comes solely from the fact that he let his family hate me and drag me through the mud without so much as a word to the contrary. and i think he has zero remorse or even a notion of a feeling as to why this might bother me at all - or MATTER at all. it is literally astounding to me.
before i sink into this and cry, i must go. but seriously - what the fuck have i allowed myself to go through during this time in atlanta? the weight of thought is crushing me.